As it is :)

So life is really good at the moment! I'm feeling really upbeat at the moment, and I finally have some deb pictures to post! Reminder - a deb is like a prom but much more formal and a much bigger deal out here than anything. We spend literally months preparing for this, and only twelve girls per year get to do the deb. It's seen as the night where a girl makes the transition from teenager to woman.

I only have 2 weeks of school left and then 3 months of holidays! WOOT WOOT!

Summer is here! Reorganising the wardrobe! Goodbye winter coat, hello sweet summer dress!

[We're halfway there, we're looking good now
And nothing's gonna get in the way
We're halfway there
And looking back now I never thought that I'd ever say
We're halfway there!]

Summer always cheers me up. It's literally a breath of fresh air. I don't think anybody understands how truly happy it makes me to be able to shoot people with a water pistol and swing off the metal railing of our bungalow and into the pool and send water everywhere. I think they underestimate how healing it is.

Autumn is for shedding old skins. Winter is for rest. Spring is for growth. Summer is for renewal. Summer for me has always been the best time of the year, because while I appreciate being able to curl up under a million blankets with hot chocolate and read I LOVE the sun and I love the wind and I love how it feels like everything is so alive!

Sixteen to seventeen has been the best year of my life so far. I feel like somewhere along the way I stopped being a girl and started being a woman and I like the change. Maybe that change came when Brendan spun me in circles in my white dress all over a dance floor in front of hundreds of people.

[Wait a minute, before you tell me anything
How was your day?
Cause I've been missing you by my side
Did I awake you out of your dream?
I'm sorry but I couldn't sleep
Coming down there's something about the sound of your voice]

I thought that to be happy I didn't need a man to save me, and I don't think I need a man to save me now. But I would like one. I really would. And I think when I did my deb this year, he was the one there when I became that woman.





I felt like the most beautiful girl alive the night of my deb even though the other girls were just as pretty or prettier. I was impervious to all the whispers and I didn't care that everyone was watching - I wanted them to watch. I wanted them to see what I could do. That I'd learned to dance with someone just as hopeless as me.

This, undoubtedly, was the most beautiful night of my life, and the night that I changed completely. I grew and realised that inside and out I was a good, beautiful person, that I didn't have to worry about what other people thought.

Bleah Briann's right - there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a princess.

-a solitary blue

Life

So I can't wait to get out of this town. Everyone here just frustrates me. If they don't know something they make up vindictive, malicious lies about the person who refuses to tell them. Someone started a rumor that my friend is pregnant (which she's not, as she's a virgin) and I'm so sick of looking at people and having them judge every inch of you.

It's ironic to me that people of small-towns try to live up to the supposed reality of city people. The reality is that city people couldn't care less about anyone because they're so busy with their own lives! They don't spend their time hanging around a mall to steal something they don't even want. People do that here because they're bored.

On the other hand, my exams have started and I think most of my friends are ready to self-destruct with the pressure. I work well under pressure. I had my year 12 psych today which counts towards uni, so that's alright, worst is over. Buuuut I still have to my media, human development, maths, english and literature in a week's time. Which annoys me.

And I don't even have time to post anything else because I have to go to work again!

-a solitary blue

Seventeen Years

So I've been alive for 17 years now, and I think I spent at least 15 of those living in blissful ignorance of the world around me. It's only been recently that I've looked around and just had an "oh my... wow" reaction to things.

I've also learned a lot of things that I wish I hadn't, and most of them have been over the past year. I grew so much since February this year it seems insane that I could possibly handle it all, but I did. And I know I had help.

I learned that everything dies. Josh died and even though I knew it was coming, knew it was coming for months before it did, I spent a lot of time angry about it. He was only 18 when he died, only a year older than me, and he's spent so much time in hospital I wondered how he could possibly have learned all the things I had? I didn't see why he had to die. Now I know there is no reason.

Death is death. It doesn't discriminate. And I wish that I was that little girl who believed that the bad guys got what was coming to them and that the good guys got their happily-ever-after.

[Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now]

I learned that the one person who isn't supposed to hurt you probably will. I've learned it's often the person you least expect. I've learned that most people have two sides - who they are, and what you see. I've learned that the effort it takes into carefully cultivating these two faces is effort better spent doing something else.

So I've cut those people out of my life. I don't like fakes. And even more than that, I don't like people who seem like they're fake but they're not, they're just shallow, and those people make me depressed. I hang out with 12 different people and of those 12 I trust 3 - Enyar, Riz, and Jayne. The rest of them? I don't even know them. I've known Elenn since we were in diapers and I don't know who she is anymore.

[I saw a picture of you hanging in an empty hallway
I heard a voice that I knew but I couldn't turn away
It sent me back to the end of everything
I taste it all, I tasted all the tears again]

I've learned that sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Especially not for me. If half the people in my school asked me if I liked them (not that my opinion matters to anybody) I would honestly have to say no. And it's a total drag when people tell you they don't like you. Also, if your friend asks you if you think that boy's hot, how are you supposed to tell her you're taken and just keeping it quiet?

In 17 years I've also had the fortune to meet lots of decent people and learn a lot of things. I've learned that everyone has their demons and that everyone has the ability to beat their demons. My P.E teacher, Mr. Thomas, has worshipped God since he was 13 and suffered from depression for 10 years. I believe that he was saved by God.

That's another thing. I found God. It was a long time coming but I eventually realised that none of this could exist without His intervention. Scientists say humans are just complicated machines. I say to that - machines are all the same and work in the same way. Humans are all different and work in different ways. We can't be machines.

[Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
Give back what you get anyway
Go all the way back to yesterday]

I've learned that I'm better off alone. I'm not saying it for attention. I just am. Apart for a few special people, generally speaking, I don't like where the species is heading and I'd rather bail than go down with the ship. (Please don't misunderstand. I like people. But I don't like what they represent). I'm sick of seeing ridiculous news paper articles. I'm tired of seeing footballers paid their weight in hundred-dollar bills while kids in third-world countries are suffering.

And yet I love this planet. And I love with everything I have. I don't think I've ever felt before that maybe I'm making a difference. But to two or three people, I am, and I know I am, and it makes me feel like I have a place in this world, like I'm not just wandering around meaninglessly, waiting for destiny to trip me over.

[Before you break you have to shed your own mind
Tell a stranger that they're beautiful
So that all you feel is love]

Signing out. :)

-a solitary blue.

TAG TAG TAG XD

First of all, I love tags.

Second of all, I'm sorry I haven't been blogging!

Third of all (?) I GOT A NEW IPOD NANO AND I AM SO HAPPY.

{1} What time do you wake up each morning? Why?

I get up at 6:40 on a school day because my showers take forever lol. And on Saturdays I get up at seven because I start work at eight. :S

{2} You've just woken up, and you're thirsty. You fix yourself a glass of...

A cup of tea. Probably a glass of orange juice soon because it's heading into summer. <3

{3} Where do you go to school? What do you like/dislike about it?

I got to Red Cliffs Secondary College, six hours from anyplace worth going. I LOVE the people there (for the most part) and I love that year 11's and 12's get their own rooms that we don't share with the junior school so we can study. Downside is that my mum works there so I have to be 100 percent good all the time.

{4} How many siblings do you have? What are their names and ages (if you're allowed to share)?

I have a half-brother on my Dad's side, from a previous marriage. He's Luke and he's 21. He's also awesome. FYI, he doesn't live with me.

{5} What is your favourite game to play with your family?

Oh, that's a tough one. Umm, probably just normal Cluedo, because I always win and Dad's reaction to losing gets me every time. :P

{6} What's the silliest thing you've ever done with your siblings, cousins or any other family member? Would you do it again if you could?

Whenever Luke comes over we attempt to breakdance. We both suck at it (a lot) and so one day we randomly rocked up to a Zumba fitness class. Luke ended up with a strained ligament and i had to drive him to the doctor's and our parents were furious. Yes, I would do this again! hahaha!

{7} What's your favourite game to play with you friends?

Charades. My friends are those kind of people you stare at in the street. Actually, that's where we play charades! And there's 12 of us, so... hahaha.

{8} If you could meet one person in the whole wide world (who's currently alive) who would it be? Why would you want to meet that person? What would you say to them?

Right now? Oh, this is a toughie... Uhhh, probably... Jenny Downham. I am completely in love with her novel "Before I Die". I don't think I'd be able to talk, I'd melt.

{9} If you could meet one person in the whole wide world (from the past) who would it be? Why would you want to meet that person? What would you say to them?

I wanna meet JFK. He was a truly awesome US president. And if I could meet him, I would say "we will bear any burden, pay any price, fight any foe, and do whatever we have to to ensure the continued success of liberty."

{10} What is your favourite way to worship God? Singing, dancing, playing an instrument, praying, fasting?

My P.E teacher holds this thing at recess and lunch time called "Students Alive" which is dedicated to worshipping God. I go every Tuesday and Thursday :)

{11} "God cares about the little things of life." Do you agree? Can you give a specific example of ways that God has shown Himself in the little things of your life?

Of course he does! God created everything that there is. I remember when I was at Josh's funeral, I just thought that everything was dead or had to die eventually, and that the cemetary was a place of death, but a butterfly landed on my hair just as I thought that.

{12} Is there a particular Bible verse that has stood out to you recently? Which verse and why?

John 3:16... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the trust. Love never fails."

{13} Your parents are out for the day, leaving you home alone (with your siblings). Then, your grandmother from out of state calls and says she'll be there in fifteen minutes. (She wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow). What do you do?

I grab my licence, my next door neighbour and drive up to the supermarket to get something to feed her because she's allergic to everything! (I only have a learner's permit so I need an adult in the car -.-)

{14} Have you ever traveled out of countru? Why did you go?

I've been to America (I live in Australia) New Zealand, Raratonga, and Fiji. We went for holidays! Oh, America was a submarine reunion my dad was invited to.

{15} What sport do you play and what do you enjoy about it?

Soccer!!! I love being able to kick something as hard as I want without getting in trouble (I kick things when I'm angry).

{16} Do you like cats or dogs better? If neither, specify:

I used to like cats, but then I got Naiyook and now I like dogs. I just love how friendly and nice dogs are. My cats are evil and they scare me.

{17} Country or city?

City. Only because I've lived in the country my entire life and everyone gossips about everyone. In the city, nobody cares who you are.

{18} Cowboy hat or prairie bonnet?

I don't know what a prairie bonnet is and I hate cowboy hats unless they're worn in context!

{19} Flip flops or tennis shoes?

Are Converse considered tennis shoes? If so then Converse.

{20} Do you like my (Ayla Gray's) blog?

I wish I had more to post about! Otherwise I love it :)

Rather than tag everybody - copy, paste and do it if you want to! Thanks to all the people following and thanks to Bleah Briann for sending them over here! XD

-a solitary blue.

Yesterday I died

[What do you think of me
Are you quite proud of this make believe
Curtain that hangs around
Everything
Caught admiring that girl
She's so damn beautiful]

What's wrong with a parent that they'd call their own kid a fat piece of crap? What's wrong with the world and all its people that we blow each other up - over a tiny scrap of land nobody wants anyway?

What's wrong with the world that when one girl in a school says "I'm gonna starve myself so I'm thin and pretty!" all her dumb friends jump off the proverbial cliff after her like the lemmings they are? What's wrong with the world that boys expect girls to fit into a size zero because that's what they see on TV, when only two percent of the population is a guy's idea of beautiful? Why should the minority falsely represent the majority?

[Yesterday I died
Tomorrow's bleeding
I fall into your sunlight
Future's open wide
Beyond the leaving
There's no why, hope dies...]

Eighty percent of ten to fourteen year olds are unhappy with their bodies. Over twenty percent of those will try binging and purging at some point, and, scarily enough, ten percent will live with Anorexia Nervosa. So many people in so many different countries fall between the cracks. Why should any one person, beautiful in their own right, feel the need to deprive themselves of essential things just to fit in?

Why should teenagers commit suicide because that one boy or girl didn't like them? Why should they cut into their arms and drain the blood God gave them? Why should they have to feel as if they're so alone, nothing will save them?

I want to make a difference. But I'm one person. I'm one person in seven billion and I don't think I can do it alone. I don't think anybody I even know, here, in Victoria, is willing to stand up for what's right. They're not willing to stand up to a girl nobody likes anyway and say "why are you making that girl's life hell? Why are you doing this?" because then they'd stand out and being an outsider is bad. Right?

[All is lost
But hope remains
And this war's not over
Let me go
I will run
I will not be silenced]

Wrong.

God created us to be different. If He wanted us to be the same He would have created us that way, carbon copies of one another. But He didn't - he made us all, with love, individual, unique. Do I believe that some people are bad? Yes. But they weren't born bad. God entrusts us to look after one another.

And we're doing a pathetic job.

All you ever see in the papers is "diggers blown up in Iraqi terrorist storm!" over here. I don't know how to get it through people's thick skulls - WE'RE IN THEIR LAND. WE are invading THEM. Not the other way around. We've been fighting so long we've forgotten what we're fighting over!

[Don't wanna cry for you
But there's nothing left to do
So if it'll make me feel better
Then I'm gonna cry, cry for you]

When the Black Saturday fires blazed through Victoria last year, it was thought to be a natural disaster - until arson experts discovered that at least three people had been behind instigating the horrific fires. 173 people dead, burned in their homes. 414 injured. 2,030 houses were destroyed, and estimated 3,500 structures in total.

The fires affected 78 towns. It displaced 7,562 people. The fires burned at about 2,190 degrees fahrenheit. That's bloody hot.

I don't think a lot of people understand how DRY it is here, even other Australians who live up in Queensland or Ballarat where it's wet almost all year round, either due to humidity or rain and snow. I don't think they understand that wood here tends to combust if left outside too long.



This is Kinglake, a town 5 hours from Mildura. This is A YEAR after the fire.

How could anybody do something like that? Not only are they destroying towns and people, they're destroying God's plants and animals, destroying land that's been carefully cultivated for decades.

And they never caught the arsonists who did it either.

-a solitary blue.

I got tagged!

Thank goodness. I don't have anything to talk about today!

1. Does having to play these blogger games make you wanna punch someone in the face 'cause it postpones posting about your ever-so-melodramatic life?
It stops me watching Big Time Rush. And James Maslow. Which makes me sad. On the other hand, I never have anything to blog about so I welcome any tags I get!

2. What are your feelings on zombies?
I feel really bad for them! I mean, how would you like it if you were just you know doin' your own thing and then someone came and munched on you and turned you into the living dead, and ruined your favourite shirt at the same time?

3. If you could visit any time period ever, what would it be, and who would you take with you (this person has to be real, and someone you actually know)?
I'd go to the eighties. They were a wild time. And... I'd take Baini, to teach him to have fun!

4. If I gave you Scotch tape, a sharpie, and some studded gloves, what would you do with 'em?
Oh gosh. I don't know! I'd probably sticky tape the gloves to my face to protect my nose from the fumes of the sharpie and go crazy!

5. Are you suspicious or sympathetic towards third wheels?
I'm suspicious of everybody, but I feel bad for third wheels as well. It's not much fun. Especially when the other two wheels have their own in jokes and you're left going "saywha?"

6. Pretend you have a sandbox. But it's not filled with sand. Instead, what is it filled with?
I actually have a sandbox but I would like my imaginary sandbox to be filled with gift vouchers for Sanity and Amazon.

7. Do you prefer stupid nonsensical questions, or deep metaphorical ones which make you ponder life, God, and the universe around us itself?
Depends on the day, sometimes even the hour. For now I'll go with nonsensical but I'll have my deep-and-meaningful cap on tomorrow.

8. Tell me what your regular disposition on life is.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my GOSH! When life gives you the lemons, either a) make lemonade or b) stick 'em in your bra to make your boobs bigger.

9. Your favourite book and why.
Before I Die, by Jenny Downham. It makes me think and appreciate things more.

10. What was the last play/musical you saw?
It was The Lion King live stage performance in Melbourne. I was eleven.

11. Your secret weapon for luring in the opposite (or same!) sex. ;D
Did you SEE Top Gear last night?!

12. Do you (or did you) do your homework?
Yes and yes! For everything except maths because I hate maths, maths hates me and my teacher refuses to teach me anything.

13. Which do you prefer, city or country? And why?
City, because I grew up in the country and I get so bored!

14. What is your opinion on organised religion?
To each their own. (P.S we never had bible study at school and I'm kind of new to this so I don't know what organized religion is D:)

15. How do you feel about technology, and where it's headed?
I love technology. When it works. Stem cell therapy scares me a bit, and so does surrogate mothering, and genetic manipulation. Gattaca and Maximum Ride, people!

16. What was the last film you watched?
To Save A Life. I loved it.

Okay, I tag Bleah Briann! I think the idea is that you have to answer all the previous questions and the eight I add on.

1. What's your favourite childhood memory?

2. If you be anybody for a day, who would it be and why?

3. What do you like to spend your time doing?

4. Where did you meet your closest friend?

5. Favourite school subject?

6. Summer, winter, or somewhere in between?

7. Who's the person who knows you best?

8. Monopoly or scrabble?

-a solitary blue.

One two three four, to the five

Hello everyone :)

[I'm trusting you with loving me
Very very carefully]

I'm officially obsessed with Big Time Rush. Completely and totally in love with them. More so with James Maslow!!! He is the love. <3

Well, I'm in love with him on a superficial level. I never thought I might start to really like (love maybe) one of my closest friends. But I can't help it. He did my deb with me - which in Australian tradition is the night a girl transforms into a woman.

He was there with me. He discovered a part of me neither of us knew existed. I should probably put some deb photos up, come to think of it. I might do it tomorrow. The point is, I feel like he understands me. Like I don't have to be anybody except myself around him. Around him I'm allowed to love orange tictacs and talk about resident evil and go completely geek on him. I'm allowed to tell him how I feel.

[Now I'm about to give you my heart
So remember this one thing
I've never been in love before
So you gotta go easy on me]

He's given me the courage to stand up. To tell people what I really think. To tell Terri that she needs to get over herself and accept that things don't always go the way you plan, in fact they never do. To tell my friends that I'm not gonna stand by and watch Giulianna drown in her own low self-esteem and Terri's insults.

To think that it would ever come to this - that it would come to the point at which I don't care what Erin, Elenn, Kelsey, Emily, Grace, and countless others think of me - is astounding. I never thought I would get here.

The nice thing is that I know who I am, finally. I'm my father's daughter. He taught me respect, to help people in need of help whether it inconvieniences you or not, who taught me that without fear there is no such thing as courage.

[He gave me a road to chose
He gave me freedom
And I hope that someday
I will walk in his shoes]

So here I am. My name is Ayla Shannon Gray, and my life's ambition is to help people who need it. I like to sing and my motto in life is "when in doubt, dance it out". I'm in love with the guy who took me to the deb and gave me away to my father for the Pride of Evon. I like everyone else breathes slowly in the dark when the sun goes down, and like everyone else it saps my strength to face my demons.

So, whoever's reading - I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of being a simpering hair-twirling bimbo to match Erin's bitchiness. I'm tired of trying to be deep and meaningful around Kelsey. I'm tired of being spastic and insane and uncontrollable around Elenn. I'm tired of being shallow and insecure around Nathan.

I want to be the person I like - I want to be able to geek out all the time with Enyar over Stargate and the X-Files. I want to be able to laugh and smile and flick rubber bands at Riz. I want to laugh and do things I'm not supposed to at work with Niknak. And for him I want to be myself, this over-excitable seventeen-year-old who loves Fallout 3 and Resident Evil 4 to death and spends a lot of her time smiling.

[Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved]

I know I'm good. And I know that people who accept me are good. Erin's not going to like the change, she's not gonna like I can finally do my own thing. Kelsey probably won't like my new cross necklace. Elenn won't like the new me flat-out. Nathan won't like that I actually have a brain.

But Riz will like me. So will Enyar and Niknak. And I'm thinkin' Brendan's gonna like that now I'm a real person. A real girl with hopes and dreams. Not one who's annoying.

[You'll be the first to know
When I find what I'm lookin' for
I wanna love with the sun on my face
Ride a train to nowhere anyplace
Don't know where I'm going
Anywhere, I don't care]

That was tiring.

-a solitary blue.