Till the clouds clear

Ever get the feeling that everything's closing in on you, and you're only just managing to outrun the coming storm?

I don't know who my friends are. I don't know how long I haven't known them. And what's even scarier is that they don't know me. If I committed suicide tonight not one of them would be able to tell anybody why - and there would be a reason. There always is, with me.

I'm always going out of my way to make them happy, but the favour's never returned. I'm seriously considering just moving groups or something. The one I'm with seems great on the outside. Underneath, there are cracks in the foundations. In the people.

Like Erin. On MSN or texting or whatever, she pretends everything is okay. Then she takes it out on everyone else. Nicolina is the prettiest girl I know and yet she sees herself as ugly. Elenn says she's fair but what's that quote from Shakespeare - fair is foul and foul is fair. Beware of something nasty pretending to be something nice.

I can't pretend like I can ignore it anymore either. I honestly don't know how to get myself out of this one. Probably because I didn't realise how caught up I was until I was already falling.

And what bugs me more? They don't know. They've forgotten. When Josh died, I distinctly remember hearing "I'll never take life for granted again." And yet, that's exactly what's happening. Everyone seems to have forgotten he was ever there, except Christy and Libby and Riz and me. I'm not sure Riz remembers either. She hasn't said anything. But you never know with her. She's my best friend, but I don't feel like I know her that well.

I don't feel like she knows me that well.

[All I am
For all you are
Cause what I need
And what I believe
Are worlds apart]

Elenn was my best friend for the first fourteen years of my life. But recently I've realised that I can't live like she does, taking life one tiny careful step at a time. I want to leap and fly and I wanna try and touch the moon even if people say it's not possible, because you never know if you don't try, right?

I don't want to live in content. I want to look up at the sky and wonder. I never want to lose joy in watching a mouse, a bird, a cat, a dog. I never want to lose faith in living creatures. I don't want to lose who I am. I want to be able to watch a horse run and imagine its big strong heart pounding in my chest. I want to imagine being my dog, feeling rain slide off me and the world in black and white. I want to believe I can step as silently as a cat.

I want to believe that one day I'll stretch my wings and flap and fly and make the choice to come down, because I want to believe that despite everything I'll have something to live for.

[I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
Dulls the nail that still remains]

Someday it'd be nice to be able to believe in God. Right now I can't - there are too many things holding me back. My family, my studies, my teachers... some of my friends. I want to think 'yes, it's alright, it happened for a reason'. I want to be what Dad calls a lemming. If I'm a lemming and I throw myself off a cliff to die with the rest, at least I won't be alone.

[Take my world apart
take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blown away]

And then, I'll die believing that there's a bright light at the end of the tunnel, and help is on the way.

the sensational crusader.

About me (:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Nurr... exams... nurr... fml..."

2. How much cash do you have on you?
30 bucks in my wallet and 500 on my account :)

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
SMORE! That's a word isn't it?? T.T

4. Favorite planet?
MAAARRS!! It's a chocolate too.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Jamie. Freak. He's the first, second, third and fifth as well

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Marimba (:

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Foodworks uniform shirt :)

8. Do you label yourself?
Ordinary.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
I think it's called Skin. :D

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. I love my bedroom XD

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She's pretty cool ^^

12. What does your watch look like?
Which piece of it?

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading Angelology

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"Boring as shit, i finished early so i just drew pictures" - Riz.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
One word - Australia

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"EEEEEEEEE!" Whenever I am excited. Which happens a lot.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Jamie ^^

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My doggy!!

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Wizz Fizz. Two packs :)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Digital. I loves it.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
14

22. Your worst enemy?
My next door neighbour's dog

23. What is your current desktop picture?
It's a collage of all my friends and family

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"IF I HEAR "DARLIN' WE ARE THE YOUNG ONES" ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO COMMIT!" *Mimes putting gun to head and squeezing the trigger repetitively*

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Are we talking about flying on a plane, or with my own wings?

26. Do you like someone?
Yes. (:

27. The last song you listened to?
"Till the clouds clear" by Lamb

28. What time of day were you born?
8 am

29. What’s your favorite number?
Fifty seven

30. Where did you live in 1987?
I didn't. Lol. I was probably floating around in heaven (or hell) waiting for a body.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Nope.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Yeah. She told me. I was like :O

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was on a plane to america. If I had been the age I am now, it would have been a huge "fml" moment.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Kick them! >:]

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Most of the time :)

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
It would be on my left hip.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Japanese.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Where to?

39. Are you touchy feely?
I love hugs :P

40. What’s your life motto?
"Don't act as if the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Camera, hair ties, jacket

42. What’s your favourite town/city?
Adelaide

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
New handbag XD

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I mailed on to Jamie two days ago. He mailed one back saying "wtf?"

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No. Err. My brother can

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
I've never been in love.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
My mother's family are purebred english people, and my dad's family were all convicts. Lol.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Trying on my deb dress :)

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My hand. I hate exams

50. Have you been burned by love?
Pfft. No.

the sensational crusader (:

QUIZ TIME!!!

But before I begin. I just totally owned on Resident Evil 4. This guy came to get Ashley and i was like "OH HELLS NO BETCH, GET YOUR OWN HO!" And just BAM!

And he was dead.

I felt like I should share that, seeing as I got caught yelling it. Luckily, Dad is so out-of-date he's practically going backwards, and just went "O.o :| :S what?"

To this quiz!

[ ]Gotten kissed
[ ]Gotten a phone taken away in class
[ ]Gotten suspended
[X]Gotten caught chewing gum
[ ]Gotten caught cheating on a test
Total so far: 1

[ ]Arrived late to class more than 5 times
[X]Didn't do your homework over 5 times (does this count if I didn't get caught for it?)
[ ]Turned at least 3 projects in late
[X]Missed school just because you felt like it
[ ]Laughed so loud you got kicked out of class
Total so far: 2

[X]Got your Mom, Dad, etc to get you out of
school
[X]Text people during class
[X]Passed notes
[X]Threw stuff across the room
[X]Laughed at the teacher
Total so far: 5

[ ]Been in a fight at school
[X]Took pictures during school hours
[X]Called someone during school hours
[X]Listened to iPod, CD, etc. during school hours
[X]Skipped a class period
Total so far: 4

[ ]Threw something at the teacher
[X]Went outside the classroom without permission
[ ]Broke the dress code
[ ]Failed a class
[X]Ate during class
Total so far: 2

[ ]Gotten a call from school
[ ] Couldn't go on a field trip because you behaved badly
[X] Didn't take your stuff to school
[ ] Give the teacher the finger when
they weren't looking
[X]Cursed during class/school
Total so far: 2

[ ]Faked your parent's signature
[X]Slept in class
[ ]Cursed at your teacher
[ ]Copied homework
[ ]Got in trouble with the principle/vice principle
Total so far: 1

Grand total: 51%

Stolen of Courtney :) I'd just like to point out that at my school, years 7-10 wear maroon uniforms, and 11-12 blue and grey ones. Once you wear blue, the school, including the teachers, bow at your feet. They don't care if you walk out, skip, chew gum or cuss in class. Yay for VCE teachers :)

the sensational crusader :)

All better

So I'm feeling better after yesterday's rant. I got all my SACS back and I did really well on all of them, so that was great.

Although, sitting in Literature today I felt kind of awkward. Erin had another mental breakdown in class and Riz was seething mad all day for reasons I can't really explain without wild hand gestures and facial expressions :P

So I was sitting there, and the only thing I was really thinking was "don't say it out loud" which is weird, because neither of them were looking at me (or each other) and I didn't think they were going to. Maybe it's just exam stress.

So right now, I feel kind of like I'm flying :)

I have a three hour psychology lecture on saturday about everything we've covered so far XD it's gonna be great!!! I love psychology, it's an awesome subject.

the sensational crusader (:

Emo moment

I think the problem is that I've stopped living in a world where I believed everything would turn out okay. I've realised that there are always cracks beneath the surface. Especially when it comes to yourself. You think you're fine, and then the tiniest thing throws you off balance, and bam. You're stuck and alone and people only pretend to care.

Childhood is a placebo; you believe everything will be okay, so when the kid next door gets smashed by a car and dies or your friend dies from cancer (seventeen jesus christ) you block it out, you pretend it's all fine, and it's not. When you have a headache the doc gives you a sugar pill only you don't know it's a sugar pill and so it goes away because you were only imagining the headache, a psychosomatic illness.

Trouble is, with life, the pain really IS there. And it's unavoidable. You might escape for a while, but not forever.

God, I miss Josh. I could say life's not fair but where's the point, seeing as we all know it and those who don't are in for a rude wake-up call? All I can say is that nobody deserves cancer, nobody deserves to waste into nothing and drag their families with them, but there are people who are flirting with it every time they stick a smoke in their mouth.

Do they think it's cool? Smoking isn't cool. It's not just poisoning yourself either. It's poisoning everyone around you.



the sensational crusader (:

Airplanes

My current obsession song - Airplanes, by B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams. Oh my goodness, I love it XD

The weekend was AWESOME. Riz came over at 12 on Saturday after I finished work and slept over. We stayed up till 4:30 in the morning having one of those serious-late-night-discussions always featured in slumber parties/sleepovers (:

Then this morning I was hiding under the blankets and my dog tried to dig me out.



Say hello to my baby (: SHE'S NOT A HUSKY!!!! She's an Alaskan Malamute. They're twice as big, twice as wide, twice as tough and a hundred times dumber. Hence, trying to dig me out from the blankets. It was minus five! But she made up for it, she just went to sleep beside me after that (: me and Riz had smarties for breakfast. Lol.

And then my mum had a candle party and we helped set up for that. I won a competition - drawing blind. I know, right!!!

And then... DEB PRACTICE!!!

Brendan was soooooo good! He must have been practicing, because HE was leading ME!!!! Not into WALLS, or into Nathan and Jayne who were in front of us or back into Kyle and Emma who were behind us, but around the dance floor!

HE PROMENADED ME!!!!!

It was so stunning! I really enjoyed myself tonight (: last time really sucked cause he had no idea what he was doing, and this time... he did! It was so stunning!!!

By the way, a deb is like a traditional Australian thing. It's like prom, only with about a thousand rules. You can only wear white floor-length gowns if you're one of the dancers. Which I am. It's seen as when a girl turns into a woman.

I'm a WOMAN now (:

Damn, I really don't want to grow up. (:

the sensational crusader. (:

Weekend!

OH YES! Finally. Riz is sleeping over saturday night and we're going to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children and be like HAAAIIIDS! FOUND 'EM! (In joke. Don't ask :P)

I just got off work anyway ^^ I'm sooooo glad it's finally over... but I have the 8 o clock shift tomorrow till 11 T.T at least that way I have the entire weekend ahead of me!!! I can't wait, I'm gonna go shopping XD yes that's pretty much what I do.

And mum's having a partylite party on sunday, so that should be good.

I don't really have anything else to say - except my friends really need to OD on happy pills at some point. They're miserable :(

the sensational crusader (:

29/4/10

So here's the thing. I've been in kind of a slump. Josh died on the 29th of last month from osteosarcoma. It's a really aggressive form of bone cancer. He was only a year older than I was and we were kind of friends. He's been fighting it for 4 years and somehow we all figured he was gonna get better.

He was seventeen.

It really shook me I guess, because even though I know it's possible to die before you're even really an adult, I never fully realised it until the sunday before he died, and I was standing on the backstep and it was just a beautiful day, and I just suddenly thought "he's never gonna see this again."

I sort of woke up on Thursday morning, and (I know this sounds corny) but while I was drying my hair I said "this is it." And when I got to school Kelsey told me that he was gone and I was like "I know."

They had an assembly, and me and Riz were holding it together just fine until Mr Browne (the principal) said "he will be missed" and his voice cracked, you could barely tell but it was still there. I tuned out for the rest of the assembly.

Anyway, afterwards I wrote this:

Sixteen, emotion
Love, pain, feeling
I see those too
Seventeen
Snapshot
Not yet there
Moments...
All leading up to this.

the sensational crusader (: