Halfway there

[When the chips are down, back against the wall
Got no more to give 'cause we gave it all
Seems like going the distance is unrealistic
But we're too far from the start]

So I'm halfway between being a kid and halfway between being an adult and I don't know what that makes me. This time last year I never thought I would have come this far, that I would have become such a different person, a happier person, someone who can help.

Watched a spectacular movie today, well, two. The first one was "To Save A Life." It really changed my perspective on things. Basically, this guy named Sam and his friend Roger are playing when they're in sixth grade. Sam runs in front of a car, and Roger pushes him out of the way - and has a permanent limp because of it.

Seven years later Roger and Sam have stopped talking because Sam chose popularity over the boy who saved his life. Roger commits suicide in the middle of the school hall, and Sam's left wondering if there's anything he could have done.

It really touched me. Everyone should watch it :)

[So we take what comes and we keep on going
Leaning on each others shoulders
Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow]

So now it has me thinking - what do I want my life to be about? Not me that's for sure. Living for yourself is as pointless as not living at all really. I would like to help others. Maybe save a life someday. But it doesn't matter if I do or not; whether it's helping someone with their shopping or not, it's still helping.

I don't want my life to be a turned-around mess like some people I know. Jamie, one of my best friends, hooked on marijuana and cigarettes and whoever knows what else because he lost his way. I want to help him but I don't even know where to start.

I see people every day who seem to have the words HELP ME engraved on their foreheads. The pain is right there in their eyes, and it's bull that nobody sees it; people see it, they just don't want to admit they have. They don't want to look into another human's eyes and think oh geez that could happen to me.

[If we never flew we would never fall
If the world was ours we'd have it all
But the life we live isn't so simplistic
You don't just get what you want]

Do I want to look into Riz's eyes and realise she's crying out for help? No, it scares me. But I do it anyway because who else is gonna do it? The point of being a best friend is knowing the good the bad and the ugly, and the ugly truth is that while her dad doesn't hit her he doesn't have to. Shutting her out and then calling her worthless, fat, is taking more of a toll on her than anything is.

And it's taking a toll on me too. I don't like seeing my friends unhappy, people they're not. I don't like them snapping at each other and bickering and saying you don't understand because they haven't even realised they're all in the same boat.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's NOT unhappy, like I'm on a boat in the middle of the ocean with the storm above me and the sharks below. It makes me feel to be abnormal to be normal and that's sickening, just because my parents are happy together. Because they're happy together I stick out, I don't fit in.

Not that I'm complaining. I don't want to see them fight.

[How are you ever gonna reach the stars
If you never get off the ground
And you'll always be where you are
If you let life knock you down]

How do you stand up to someone who is supposed to look after you and isn't? How do you tell someone you're scared of your own father like Riz is? She says she's not but I've had seventeen years of looking into people's eyes and seeing the exact same thing I see in hers. How do you convince someone to trust you when the two people they're supposed to be able to rely on have let them down?

How do you convince them you're not gonna leave them? That it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, you'll catch a bus with all the creepy drunks and walk to their house in the dark if it means making it just a fraction easier, when nobody's ever done that before?

I hate her parents sometimes. I hate them for what they're doing and I hate them for what they're gonna do.

I hate them because they don't know.

Because they don't care.

[You call my name
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole]

-a solitary blue

I'm not fooled!

I know someone is viewing this blog! Haha :)

So I have a bit of a problem. I thought one of my new friends Terri was pretty cool - she's not one of the in crowd and she's not up herself and she's really smart and nice. The other day, I had a free period and was sitting outside drawing a bird.

Riz was sitting on my other side and we said something, and then Terri smiles and says "Yeah, small birds are fun to shoot with slug guns."

What?

So, I would like to point out that when it comes to life, I'm pro. I'm pro life. In ANY case, and that includes animals. The only time I would EVER kill something was if it was suffering and there was no chance of saving it. So this chick who I happen to think is pretty cool and decent has just thrown me one of life's biggest curveballs: thinking you know someone when you really don't.

I just looked at her with this expression of disgust and said "Anybody who kills for fun clearly has a screw loose somewhere." And yes, I do believe that. I would rather not know if someone was raised with a gun in their hands. Killing goes against everything God or Mother Nature or whoever intended.

If someone was hunting humans, would it be funny? No. And humans are dangerous so if we were hunted it was probably our fault in the first place. What the friggin' hell have birds or deer or bunnies ever done to us? More specifically, Terri? Terri was smiling when she said that. Do you know how creepy it is to watch someone talk about killing things with this massive grin on their face? It's frightening!

[I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel Gabriel]

So I don't know. If being friends with Terri means I have to pretty much back down and not stand up for what I believe in, then I'm not sure I can do it. I know that people have different opinions all the time. But there's nothing more I feel more strongly.

[I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part
Oh, my angel Gabriel]

the milk bottle. (:

Pix later.

The whole city was illuminated and every pinprick of beautiful orange light represented a hundred different people. The hustle and bustle, the parks, the beautiful archaic old buildings. I loved it, loved every bit of it. The city makes me feel so free, like I can fly, like I can do anything I want to. It makes me feel like there's some hope after all.

The year has come full circle. I'm glad it has. I guess everybody's lives are made up of circles that all cross and change over and overlap and are made of the same line like a figure eight and some aren't even fully formed because some things don't have an answer.

I have a few circles that are more prominent than others; the circle that took away my hope and then gave it back, the circle that claimed the life of someone close to me and then made me realise he's not gone until we forget, the circle that made me realise who I am doesn't matter as much as why I am and how I got there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love to love. I live to love. I like to look up at the stars and believe that every piece of sky is a different soul watching over us. I like to believe that maybe the clouds are there for a reason, to make us miss the heat we normally complain about. I wonder and I'd like to believe that if rain is sent deliberately it's not to make us cold and shiver, it's to make us realise that warmth comes from more than just electricity and that it's possible to huddle up like a group of penguins and laugh and have blue tongues and conserve warmth that way.

I'm really glad I'm alive, most of the time. And I'm glad that this is who I am. I'm glad that I see things that sometimes others don't. I'm glad I see what goes on below. I'm glad I stop to take a picture.

[I wanna love with the sun on my face
Ride a train to nowhere anyplace]

I'm glad that life only ever seems to be taking off now that I know who I am. I love that people see me, and sometimes when they do they seem astounded by what they find. I'm glad he saw that before I did even.

I might elaborate on him later. :)

[I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
My tongue is tied off
If you've got an impulse let it out]

I don't believe in being straight, bi, or gay. I believe in love. Simple as that. Gender doesn't matter to me. I know it does to some people. I'd like to think that if we're all God's children that he intended that we be this way. But I never read a proper bible. Just the children's version.

They say that you don't have memories of being a baby because when you're a baby you don't have the knowledge or words to put to memories and emotions. Maybe so. Maybe babies don't have time to remember because they're too busy having fun learning.

These words write themselves. Life is good right now. So good I haven't been blogging. Sometimes I worry about what's gonna come in the future, but right here, right now, seems like a good place to start easing the worries about it. Right now, I don't have to worry.

Right now it seems like maybe I need to sit back and relax and take it easy. There's so much time to figure out what I'll do with the rest of my life. There's so much time to laugh.

I don't want to live with regrets.

So I've started a physical journal. It's not about me. It's about everything. It's called life as it is. It's important to remember. Without the past we can't improve the future. And improving the future is something that needs to happen.

Riz always said she was afraid of remembering.

I'm afraid I'll forget.

the milk bottle. (:

Fillers make me sad :(

So I have nothing to say. Again. So, I thought I'd just do like a filler post... of things I love ^^

1: Ayla loves cute things.


Do I really have to explain this??? I love sheep too. Sheep are just... I have never understood the purpose of sheep in this world. Or a lot of things for that matter. But I do love sheep. I like black sheep more. They stick out, like me :D I got the two sheep today and the hedgehog ages ago lol.

2: Ayla loves those little things you just can't live without.


Meaning chocolate milk, phone, and... rubber ducks. Oh come on, who never had a rubber duck when they were a kid?! This one flashes. Oh yeah, that frog in the background? Don't diss him, he's just slightly verging on awesome.

3: Ayla loves her memories.


A word to the wise: WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW LONG THIS TOOK OR HOW FRUSTRATING IT WAS. That's like half my wall and it extends almost to the floor (my room may as well be a cupboard so I couldn't get the entire thing in lol :P).

(Short interlude here.

Dear blogger,

HURRY THE HELL UP! IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE BLOGGER! HEY I'M BLOGGER, OMNOMNOM YOUR GRADES! DEAR BLOGGER, TONIGHT WOULD BE NICE, OR EVEN SOMETIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS, WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE THESE PICTURES UPLOADED! THIS IS NOT EVEN MOIST!

Love,

Your calcium deficient friend,

the milk bottle.)

Ah, that felt good. Take that, you stupid lazy decrease-download-upload-speed-to-only-30-gigs-an-hour-after-eight piece of crap. >;] FYI folks, listening to Evanescene while extremely frustrated? It's not good for anybody's health D:

4: Ayla love light.


I love these little fairy lights :) the baubles are chinese lanterns (or wannabes anyway) from cotton on. The little flowers around my dressing table I got from the internet. Ah, internet, I love you :)

(Dear Blogger,

I see you have ignored my pleas to hurry up. FINE. DON'T BLAME ME WHEN YOU SUDDENLY CONTRACT A MASSIVE VIRUS!!! D: You know what? I'm not even gonna blog about going to the cinema tomorrow.

And you shall have no pictures.

And I may do homework.

Dear Blogger, don't drive me to this point. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT. 'Cause I will. And it won't be pretty.

Love,

Your calcium deficient friend,

the milk bottle.)

5: Ayla loves her comfort things.


Including and not limited to teddy bears XD Weatherby is at the back, Nook is the raccoon, and the little dragon doesn't actually have a name lolz. My grandma made the blanket they're sitting on before I was born.

I did have another picture, but I'm tired and I have to get up early. I have a hair tip for anyone who's remotely interested, and this will sound insane, and you'll be going "who does that kind of shiz?" - next time you wash your hair, dry it upside down.

I'm serious.

Love,

Your calcium deficient friend,

the milk bottle. (:

p.s yes, those little interludes DID require the use of bold red writing.

Random post?

Yeah, I do post obsessive-compulsively every day. I have to!!! The best thing about blogging is that I can say all the things on here that I can't say out loud, or wouldn't dare to. It's like Dunbar says. You can kill people. You just shouldn't (certain parts of this I disagree with lol :) very few people have it in them to kill another).

We had a surprise party for Riz today at lunch (it was her birthday yesterday, which was the 21st here and the 20th everywhere else). It was my job to lure her away and distract her while everything was set up. I didn't lure her so much as drag her away to the career's office, where I announced I needed to talk to Ms Adler.

As we walked back she's going "Ayla, what did you do?" And I'm like "Nothing! I see no evil, I speak no evil, I do no evil! I am INNOCENT of all wrongdoing! IT WASN'T ME EY IT WAS THE CHAIR EY! Why do you always think it's me!" and the entire time I'm walking ahead so she doesn't notice I'm pissing myself laughing at her.

The look on her face was PRICELESS XD I wish I'd taken pictures but I didn't. I didn't have time to get my camera :) She was like "You said you had nothing to do with it!" and I was like "I lied... :D" but you could tell she was happy, she was almost crying :)

OK, so now I move onto a serious topic. Can ANYBODY explain to me what the hell is happening in Afghanistan at the moment? Because honestly, I have no idea and the fact that three more Aussie Diggers are dead is pissing me off. It's not our war. I have no idea why we're over there at all! Plus, we have to do an English assignment on it, and I suppose because Americans seem to be more involved in it (they have way more troops there) I guess I thought they'd know more.

I always say "we shouldn't be there, it's not our war". But I've just come to realise that that was what everyone said about Hitler. Nothing was done about the threat until the threat was right on their doorstep. Had someone come in and crushed Hitler like the worthless piece of shit he was, countless innocents wouldn't have been lost.

[I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
I don't have time to go round and round and round]

OK, I'm kind of jumping from topic to topic today. But has anyone ever looked at you on the street and you've thought "I should stay away from that person"? Well, a few weeks ago, a guy at my school - who I KNEW - molested a couple of girls in my year and the years below. I won't name him. Point is, I cannot explain how much I hate him without offending people with my trashy mouth.

The day before it happened, he actually followed me to the girl's toilets when I was getting my books from my locker. The doors have a big glass panel that's pebbled, and I could see his shadow outside the door. He waited for me for over half the lesson to come out before leaving. What a disgusting, sick pervert. And when I say "sick" I don't just mean he's gross. I mean he's sick. In the head. I mean he needs help.

[Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting]

Anyway, today I was up the street after school, and I saw him getting out of his car. Let it be known, he's only a few months older than me and only as tall as me (which, let's face it, isn't huge... I'm about 5'5" or 165 centimeters tall) but to me, he seemed evil.

And you know what he said? He said "Hi, Ayla" like he HADN'T wanted to rape me or molest me, like he had never once laid a hand on those poor little girls in the lower year levels, like he hadn't robbed them of their innocence.

If this was a sitcom or drama, this would be the point where the five-minute stare comes in and I then lower my head and walk away. Unfortunately for him, this is not a sitcom or drama. This is not As the World Turns, Home and Away (God I hate that show) or Neighbours. This is reality, and in reality not every girl is the damsel in distress that Jamie thought I would be.

This BOY is looking at me like I'm a piece of meat, like he owns me, with this hungry look in his eyes. He looks at me like he wouldn't mind raping me (let's get this straight, he wouldn't). He looks at me like I'm a jaybird and he's an eagle. He looks at me like "it's only a matter of time". He looks at me like "that was a close call, wasn't it?". He looks at me like "you're the one who got away."

[Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go!]

So he says "Hi Ayla" like he actually has ANY RIGHT to speak to me, and I lose it. A little. A lot. I walked over to him and cracked my fist into his face as hard as I could. He deserved it. I asked him if he felt like a man for what he'd done to those little girls, who were only twelve and thirteen (yeah, that's little to me). I asked him if he got pleasure from it. I asked him if he would enjoy being someone's toy in jail. I told him that the one thing even prisoners hate is a child molester. That even most people who are below the law and have fallen through the cracks find it sickening that someone could do that to a child.

[I can't hold onto me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium
Don't wanna lock me up inside]

He's not allowed back at school. Even though he hasn't been convicted of anything yet, the court of law and justice has ruled that he's not allowed back in school. Good. He's a waste of air anyway. Besides, I think I did some damage today. He looked pretty shaken up, like, shit, my would-be victim stood up to me. She doesn't give a shit what people think of her, if they think she's violent or not. He looks like maybe she's right, maybe I am sick. He looks at me like, wow, I just realised the damage I've inflicted.

And then I told him he was going to burn in hell. You know what he did at that point?

He smiled.

The bastard smiled at me. He said he was already halfway there.

[All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a voice, without a thought, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong!
Bring me to life]

Mum says maybe getting sent to jail might be a wake up call for him. I disagree. People like that don't see children as what they are. They see them as scraps of meat, delicacies waiting to be taken. People like that don't feel guilt, or sadness, or anger. They're... emotionally mute. If you don't feel guilt for something you've done wrong, how can you even realise you ARE wrong?

I'd love to hear some opinions on this. From EVERYONE :) I know there are people who view this blog without leaving a message or commenting, but I would seriously love to hear some opinions. I love a good debate :)

the sensational crusader. (:

This is it

So this is really it. When I was in year 7 (12 years old, freaking scared of the world and everything in it) I never imagined that I might be sixteen someday, having life flash past as a series of snapshots. I don't remember year seven much. It was a series of circles, and when I think about it now I never really did anything worthwhile.

I thought life was so freaking tough whenever I got a sheet of homework or had to go to tutoring because my maths sucked. I was the most miserable kid on the block, to me and a lot of other people. I wasn't one of those bubbly, happy girls who doesn't have a care in the world. I was the child who struggled.

[And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing so baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back]

I have twelve months of school left. Twelve months before I'm on my own in Adelaide in university learning how to save people from themselves. Twelve months before I leave all my friends and family behind. Twelve months before everything I've ever known ends.

Already, Karisma is beginning to grow apart from us a bit. Everyone is going to university except her. Her end of year scores don't matter to her, and ours don't matter to her. How do you explain to someone who doens't care that that score is everything you've been working towards your entire life?

[I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun]

But I'm not afraid. I'm not scared of change. Change happens with or without consent. Even if I wasn't going to uni, my friends would be. We can't be kids forever. I wonder sometimes if having that realization is the point at which you become an adult.

In that case, I haven't been a kid for a really long time. People say I was born into the mind of a forty-year old. I don't know really; I can definitely have fun, and out of all my friends I'm probably the one most likely to cheer everybody else up. But there's always so much going on beneath the surface, and so few people know that. Even my parents don't. I don't like people knowing that I think about these things.

[You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go]

Everyone asks me why I'm moving to Adelaide, four hours from anybody I know. The answer is simple - I wanna know if I'm as goddamn tough as everybody seems to think I am. I want to know if I can make it on my own. I don't want to know what will happen if I stay here.

You never truly know a person, that's what they say. You don't ever truly know yourself. You could say "if I saw someone holding up a bank I'd rush in and save the people inside" but in reality you might not do it. How would you ever know how you would react unless you'd done it before, and who says everything will be the same way a second time?

So here I am, and I'm sixteen and two hundred and ninety three days and seventy two away from being seventeen and four hundred and thirty seven days from being eighteen and that far away from going to university and am I scared? Nah, not really. I reckon I'll be alright. All I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid is grow up. I wanted to grow up and be a doctor so I could help people.

Well, I realised my grades weren't good enough for that. So now I take psychology and I hope I can break people out of their own heads and let them see the sunlight again. I love the sun. It's beautiful. I would kill myself if I lived in a world that had no sun.

[I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems]

Everyone thinks that I'm afraid of leaving. I'm not afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of being left. The longer I stay here, the more people will disappear. If I go first, it's on my terms. Maybe.

I'm not scared of the world and everything in it like that little year seven girl was anymore. I'm scared of not seeing it. I'm scared of reaching ninety-five and suddenly wishing Gee, I wish I'd done that. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. I wish I'd taken a risk.

Heaven forbid I end up like that.

the sensational crusader! (:

Our own keepers

[So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing
Stand through the pain
You won't drown]

Sorry I haven't posted :) I've been thinking a lot, lately, and writing a lot, and I've realised that everything I ever thought about my friends has been wrong or misinformed in some way. You can never know what actions drive a person to do the things they do.

I'll never know why Kelsey used to cut herself. Sure, I know some of the reasons. But I'll never know exactly what drove her to that point. As a cup half full person, I can't imagine being so without hope and so in pain that the only way to take it away is to create a physical hole to leak it out of.

I've come to the conclusion that pain doesn't kill. Fear of pain does.

[What's left to say
With all that's come and gone?
Words get in the way
And anyway the Devil's got your tongue.]

And I have no idea why people choose to keep it to themselves. You think it'd be easier, having someone around to talk to during those hardest times - and some people don't have anybody to talk to, or the people who are supposed to be there for them just aren't for some reason (whatever reason).

[Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.]

Is it anything forgivable, being in blissful ignorance of one of your best friend's pain so you can pay attention to the other's? Is it forgivable to almost hate them because they were the reason you had to ignore them in favor of your other friend in the first place? Can you forgive them for telling her "it won't hurt, just one cut so I won't feel so alone"?

It's kind of sad that you, my readers, may know me better than anybody else out there, because these are thoughts and feelings I wouldn't dare convey - couldn't convey - to anybody I know personally. Some things have to stay quiet, hidden. Like my literature teacher says, you never truly know someone.

I don't think you ever truly know YOURSELF. You could guess at how you were going to act in a certain situation, but what happens when that situation comes about?

[It's 4am I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I've lost my way into your room
I'm spiralling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but
I know one day you and I will be free]

Which is it, for any of us? Peace or freedom?

"Once upon a time, I thought I was put on this earth to save my sister. Now I realise... that wasn't the point. The point was that I HAD a sister. And she was the best." - Anna Fitzgerald, My Sister's Keeper

the sensational crusader. (:

Airplanes

My current obsession song - Airplanes, by B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams. Oh my goodness, I love it XD

The weekend was AWESOME. Riz came over at 12 on Saturday after I finished work and slept over. We stayed up till 4:30 in the morning having one of those serious-late-night-discussions always featured in slumber parties/sleepovers (:

Then this morning I was hiding under the blankets and my dog tried to dig me out.



Say hello to my baby (: SHE'S NOT A HUSKY!!!! She's an Alaskan Malamute. They're twice as big, twice as wide, twice as tough and a hundred times dumber. Hence, trying to dig me out from the blankets. It was minus five! But she made up for it, she just went to sleep beside me after that (: me and Riz had smarties for breakfast. Lol.

And then my mum had a candle party and we helped set up for that. I won a competition - drawing blind. I know, right!!!

And then... DEB PRACTICE!!!

Brendan was soooooo good! He must have been practicing, because HE was leading ME!!!! Not into WALLS, or into Nathan and Jayne who were in front of us or back into Kyle and Emma who were behind us, but around the dance floor!

HE PROMENADED ME!!!!!

It was so stunning! I really enjoyed myself tonight (: last time really sucked cause he had no idea what he was doing, and this time... he did! It was so stunning!!!

By the way, a deb is like a traditional Australian thing. It's like prom, only with about a thousand rules. You can only wear white floor-length gowns if you're one of the dancers. Which I am. It's seen as when a girl turns into a woman.

I'm a WOMAN now (:

Damn, I really don't want to grow up. (:

the sensational crusader. (: