Our own keepers

[So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing
Stand through the pain
You won't drown]

Sorry I haven't posted :) I've been thinking a lot, lately, and writing a lot, and I've realised that everything I ever thought about my friends has been wrong or misinformed in some way. You can never know what actions drive a person to do the things they do.

I'll never know why Kelsey used to cut herself. Sure, I know some of the reasons. But I'll never know exactly what drove her to that point. As a cup half full person, I can't imagine being so without hope and so in pain that the only way to take it away is to create a physical hole to leak it out of.

I've come to the conclusion that pain doesn't kill. Fear of pain does.

[What's left to say
With all that's come and gone?
Words get in the way
And anyway the Devil's got your tongue.]

And I have no idea why people choose to keep it to themselves. You think it'd be easier, having someone around to talk to during those hardest times - and some people don't have anybody to talk to, or the people who are supposed to be there for them just aren't for some reason (whatever reason).

[Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.]

Is it anything forgivable, being in blissful ignorance of one of your best friend's pain so you can pay attention to the other's? Is it forgivable to almost hate them because they were the reason you had to ignore them in favor of your other friend in the first place? Can you forgive them for telling her "it won't hurt, just one cut so I won't feel so alone"?

It's kind of sad that you, my readers, may know me better than anybody else out there, because these are thoughts and feelings I wouldn't dare convey - couldn't convey - to anybody I know personally. Some things have to stay quiet, hidden. Like my literature teacher says, you never truly know someone.

I don't think you ever truly know YOURSELF. You could guess at how you were going to act in a certain situation, but what happens when that situation comes about?

[It's 4am I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I've lost my way into your room
I'm spiralling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but
I know one day you and I will be free]

Which is it, for any of us? Peace or freedom?

"Once upon a time, I thought I was put on this earth to save my sister. Now I realise... that wasn't the point. The point was that I HAD a sister. And she was the best." - Anna Fitzgerald, My Sister's Keeper

the sensational crusader. (: