This is it

So this is really it. When I was in year 7 (12 years old, freaking scared of the world and everything in it) I never imagined that I might be sixteen someday, having life flash past as a series of snapshots. I don't remember year seven much. It was a series of circles, and when I think about it now I never really did anything worthwhile.

I thought life was so freaking tough whenever I got a sheet of homework or had to go to tutoring because my maths sucked. I was the most miserable kid on the block, to me and a lot of other people. I wasn't one of those bubbly, happy girls who doesn't have a care in the world. I was the child who struggled.

[And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing so baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back]

I have twelve months of school left. Twelve months before I'm on my own in Adelaide in university learning how to save people from themselves. Twelve months before I leave all my friends and family behind. Twelve months before everything I've ever known ends.

Already, Karisma is beginning to grow apart from us a bit. Everyone is going to university except her. Her end of year scores don't matter to her, and ours don't matter to her. How do you explain to someone who doens't care that that score is everything you've been working towards your entire life?

[I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun]

But I'm not afraid. I'm not scared of change. Change happens with or without consent. Even if I wasn't going to uni, my friends would be. We can't be kids forever. I wonder sometimes if having that realization is the point at which you become an adult.

In that case, I haven't been a kid for a really long time. People say I was born into the mind of a forty-year old. I don't know really; I can definitely have fun, and out of all my friends I'm probably the one most likely to cheer everybody else up. But there's always so much going on beneath the surface, and so few people know that. Even my parents don't. I don't like people knowing that I think about these things.

[You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go]

Everyone asks me why I'm moving to Adelaide, four hours from anybody I know. The answer is simple - I wanna know if I'm as goddamn tough as everybody seems to think I am. I want to know if I can make it on my own. I don't want to know what will happen if I stay here.

You never truly know a person, that's what they say. You don't ever truly know yourself. You could say "if I saw someone holding up a bank I'd rush in and save the people inside" but in reality you might not do it. How would you ever know how you would react unless you'd done it before, and who says everything will be the same way a second time?

So here I am, and I'm sixteen and two hundred and ninety three days and seventy two away from being seventeen and four hundred and thirty seven days from being eighteen and that far away from going to university and am I scared? Nah, not really. I reckon I'll be alright. All I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid is grow up. I wanted to grow up and be a doctor so I could help people.

Well, I realised my grades weren't good enough for that. So now I take psychology and I hope I can break people out of their own heads and let them see the sunlight again. I love the sun. It's beautiful. I would kill myself if I lived in a world that had no sun.

[I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems]

Everyone thinks that I'm afraid of leaving. I'm not afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of being left. The longer I stay here, the more people will disappear. If I go first, it's on my terms. Maybe.

I'm not scared of the world and everything in it like that little year seven girl was anymore. I'm scared of not seeing it. I'm scared of reaching ninety-five and suddenly wishing Gee, I wish I'd done that. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. I wish I'd taken a risk.

Heaven forbid I end up like that.

the sensational crusader! (: