Tomorrow

So I've been watching Skins, a British reality TV show, and I've realised one thing - most humans are more terrified than anything that tomorrow won't come, that for whatever reason, their last breath will occur the moment they slide into sleep.

My grandma once told me that a person who's lived a full life isn't afraid of dying. I disagree. I would still be scared of dying. More than that, I'm afraid someone close to me will die - just like Josh did. I see Libby fighting her way through a myriad of facades every single day just so she doesn't drag the people she loves into her misery as well.

[I miss those days
And I miss those ways
The days I got lost in fantasy
In a cartoon world of mysteries
In a place you don't grow old
In a place you don't grow cold]

When I look ahead in life, I just see this huge, huge slab of concrete bricks, because there are so many paths to take they all overlap so much you can barely see the spaces in between. Maybe I'm in a space between right now. Maybe all school-age kids are, because they haven't realised that the real world is one of pain.

It's also one of beauty and hard work.

If you think about it, humanity is about preserving the past to enrich the present. We work so hard just to find out about things a lot of people find menial - like when did the dinosaurs go extinct, or how were the Egyptian pyramids constructed, or why exactly did Hitler turn out the way he is, and why was JFK assassinated, and where did legends and myths stem from?

Typically, we all spend our lives in much the same pattern - school, home, school, home, uni, home, uni, home, work, home, work, home... but then there's always that one person in a million who dares to step outside the pattern and go against what everyone else thinks.

[You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole]

We owe everything humanity is to those people, people like John Dee and Katherine Mansfield and Mary Shelley for pointing out the ugly truth, and the beautiful truth. Humanity is capable of creating beauty. Beauty is capable of creating pain.

And we owe people like my literature teacher, Dunbar, who aren't afraid to teach us outside the box, to tell us things that nobody else remembers or maybe never even knew, who aren't afraid to break the rules if it means it gives us just that slight advantage.

I wonder a lot about whether anybody thinks the way I do, and most of the time, it makes me feel alienated, like I'm not a part of whatever bigger picture there is, that I'm a puzzle piece that's been packed into the wrong box and I just don't fit anywhere. And then, sometimes, very rarely, it makes me feel like I can take on the world, like I really do have an advantage 'cause I'm lucky enough to have met all these amazing people who have taught me so many amazing and astounding things.

[So much is happening to me
So much that I can't even see
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be
Catch me if I should fall
And even more so while I'm standing tall]

I'm grateful I watched "Signs" which demonstrated the power of coincidence, and "War of the Worlds" that showed me even the simplest things make a difference. I'm glad I saw the Little Mermaid and witnessed a human's capacity to love, and I'm glad I watched Valkyrie, how Tom Cruise portrayed the human spirit as something utterly unbreakable.

Most of the time, I'm just glad I'm alive.

[You don't understand what I'm going through
Just to find a way to find a way to climb
It'll be in my own time]

I'm incredibly happy every time I go to school, just because I see so many different people, and it doesn't matter if I don't like them or not, it's just observing them and how they act that's totally amazing. I'm grateful I took psychology and know the contributing factors to a human personality, and I find it hard to believe now that a human is just a machine. How could something so complex be a machine?

Machine implies we're all copies of one another.

"When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky, that came into this world because she and my father loved me so much. Most babies are coincidences. I mean, up in space you've got these souls flying around, looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam. Coincidence. I on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A doctor hooked up my mother's eggs and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes, I wonder, what would have happened if Kate had been healthy? I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever, waiting to be attached to a body down here on earth. But coincidence or not... I'm here." - Anna Fitzgerald, My Sister's Keeper

the sensational crusader. (:

Utter unimportance (:

I'm sorry. But I HAD TO POST THESE. My two new candle holders :)






sorry about that lol :)

the sensational crusader!!

Looong rant

[Take a breath
Just take a seat
You're falling apart
And tearing at the seams]

So apparently, while me and Riz were away today (no we weren't wagging lol, Riz busted a ligament in her knee and I was sick) Erin walked up to Monique and said "we'd prefer it if you didn't hang out with us anymore" and left her standing there.

Now, Erin's my best friend, and I don't particularly like Monique anymore, but was the bitchiness really necessary?

[Belief
Makes things real
Makes things feel
Feel alright]

Maybe there'll come a time where I can look her in the eye and say "I forgive you" and mean it. Maybe there'll come a time where I can laugh with her again and have those silly arguments about Twilight. But maybe that time will never come, and maybe I'll grow tired of fighting for things that can't be saved.

God help me, I hope that never happens.

The moment a human stops fighting a fruitless battle is when they become little more than an animal. If you think about it, fighting to stay alive is just ridiculous, from a pessimist's point of view; we're going to die anyway. So, in their eyes, why not choose your own manner of dying and when?

Because it's against most humans' nature to hurt another. And suicide does that. Suicide doesn't make the pain go away. It lets it grow and fester and transfer into other people.

[We're separate
Two ghosts in one mirror
Later on
If it turns to chaos
Hurricane
Coming all around us]

But I won't be one of those people. I'm not going to let Monique drag me down with her like she did at the start of the year. I'm not going to sit here and think "but what did I do?" I'm going to think "what didn't I do and what could I have done differently?"

I am so tired of her attempting to dump on us, and then get back in with us. We aren't toys, and if she asks me anything about it tomorrow that's exactly what I'll say. I'll just tell her that she's screwed us over too many times for us to be the Mother Theresas of the world anymore. I mean, I'm forgiving, but there's only so much one person can take.

But this brings me to something else - if Erin can act so callously towards Monique, is she really any better? Speaking from experience, playing mind games with someone who's supposed to be your friend isn't fun. Even if you end up "winning". It leaves you exhausted and wondering if you're actually any good to anybody.

[Frame by frame
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving
The threat of your love in the headlights]

There were men at Pine's Neck, men who were so vastly outnumbered they knew they had a matter of minutes to live, in world war one who kept fighting just to give their comrades some time to escape. There was a little dog named Pepper, rescued off a battlefield by an Australian soldier, who tunnelled thirty metres to a leaking gas line, allowing him access, and allowing him to save an entire platoon of men.

There was Samson and his donkey, who ferried countless injured men across the battlefield just because they didn't know what else to do, who was shot down doing this very thing, just because politicians were too weak and pathetic to fight their own fights.

There was John F Kennedy, who said that America would "pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty." - Who died because he was a good president, too good a president to keep around.

There was the antihero, Claus Von Stauffenburg, who fought till the very end trying to bring Hitler to his knees, and very almost succeeded, despite all his allies pulling out on him at the last minute, who's last words were "Long live sacred Germany!" despite the horrific scars the country had from war and Hitler's regime of terror.

"Boy oh boy. The price of freedom is steep." - Zack Fair

the sensational crusader (:

It was a good one

I don't really know if I'm capable of hating Monique for all that she is.

It's against human nature to be alone. In general, we try to find companions so we feel like if something were to happen to us, we wouldn't be alone and that someone would miss us if we were gone.

[Heaven forbid
You end up alone
And don't know why]

I like being alone. I have a group of twelve people I hang out with in general and tons and tons of people I hang out with otherwise, and out of all of them only five would classify as my best friend, and I can only trust Riz with anything. But I do like being by myself. I like getting on buses and just riding them around town. It gives me time to think.

So I can't blame Monique for wanting to get back in with our group, and I can't blame her for starting with me, seeing as I was the one who let her hang with us first and seeing as (and I'm not just tooting my own horn here) I have a reputation around the year level for being unfailingly fair. But she's done her dash with me.

Have you ever looked at someone who you used to be close to and thought "I'll never trust you again" and know it's not one of those silly, anger-and-hurt induced moments, but the truth? And they look at you and they don't realise and they think everything is OK but you're thinking "I've cut you out of my life, just try me"?

[You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye that looks a lot like goodbye
Hold on to your secrets tonight
Don't want to know I'm OK with this silence
It's truth that I don't want to hear]

Because that's what I did months ago with Monique. I'm a forgiving person. I don't blame her for making all the wrong choices. Everyone makes mistakes and you can't resent people for it, it's human nature. There was a time when I thought I needed her.

Now I realise I don't.

It's a shock to realise that you never really needed someone, but they had you so utterly convinced you did you lied to yourself. And in a way it makes you so mad, so utterly furious.

Monique's badmouthed Riz and Erin. And when it comes down to it, I'll choose them over everyone, every time. That might change, it might even change tomorrow, but for now, it's the truth.

[When all you know seems so far away
And everything is different
Rest your head
I'm permanent]

But we had some good ones, didn't we?

We spent all that time having arguments about whether twilight sucked or not (it sucks btw, and I usually won those arguments) and we could always depend on one another, just not for the important stuff.

[And now she lives inside
Someone she does not recognise
When she catches her reflection on accident...]

But it can't be the same, because I know what you've said about my friends and when you're saying it about them, you may as well be saying it about me as well. The price of a human's pride is steep, and she won't admit that she's more in the wrong than any of us. We all did bad stuff, and all of us are a little in the wrong.

[You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be...]

And neither are you.

the sensational crusader. (:

Song list:
The Fray - Heaven Forbid
David Cook - Lie
David Cook - Permanent
Death Cab For Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed

Recovery!

OK, so I've recovered from my emoness of 3 days ago. Sorry guys ^^ let me tell you, it won't happen often. I'm usually a really cheerful person. I've made some decisions and I think they're going to help me a lot, so I shouldn't be emoing much more :)

My exams are mostly finished (thank God). I just have the general assessed knowledge test and psychology to go. I actually passed my maths exam, which is totally awesome!

There isn't much else to report, other than Monique just invited me to be friends on facebook. There's a story to this, a long and funny one. She was supposedly my best friend, but started hanging out with another group. She deleted me off her friends, so I invited her back. When she accepted, I defriended AND blocked her.

Now the people she hangs out with don't like her so she's just invited me back to her friends. She called Riz a slut and she told Jamie she doesn't like Erin.

[Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them]

So, my two best friends, or her?

It'll always be them.

the sensational scarab (:

Friends

I know I've already posted today, but I was just thinking. I probably need some new friends.

Jayne and Libby and Kelsey - people I had never even talked to before this year - treat me like a person. Riz and Erin treat me like I'm an object. Like I'm just some heavy deadweight they have to carry around everywhere. Last year Erin made me her emotional punching bag for the last two months of it.

She hasn't realised, but I still haven't let her back in.

I have a group of ten "best friends" and we're all "tight" and we can all "trust one another." The thing is, they lie to each other and me, spread rumours about others and incessantly bitch about people who don't conform to their ideas. There isn't a single person in that group who hasn't stabbed me in the back.

So I'm seriously thinking, why am I even still around them? They don't give a shit about me, or if they do, they don't show it. Why aren't I hanging with Jayne, who used to smoke weed but is a nicer person, or Libby, who has depression and is on a thousand different medications but treats me better?

Nicolina and Kelsey (from my group) only ever message me when they want me to cover their shifts at work. Nessy confides in me and then pushes me away. Monique, let's not go there.

Jamie? I have no idea who he is anymore.

Sorry for ranting. Nobody reads this anyway I suppose.

the sensational crusader. (:

Just a little note

I've almost finished exams, thank God XD English was monday, 3 essays in 2 and a half hours, then the next day was Maths (which I'm fairly sure I failed) and then I had Media (which was awesome, because it was a study of the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", which I love). Today I have Literature, tomorrow HD and then on Wednesday next week I have the GAT and then Psychology.

Anyway.

I just wanted to say something here - a lot of people have asked me what my religion is, because my entire family is Christian and therefore I MUST be Christian as well. Sorry to disappoint, I'm not. I'm agnostic. I don't believe in God, but I do believe in something higher.

I don't believe one being created the entire universe. I believe many beings got it started. I believe they put us on the right path. After that I believe that humans proceeded to develop on their own, with maybe some outside help.

[So here you are
demons screaming in your head
you try to shut them out
but they just get louder instead
and nothing you do
can seem to break through
this darkness smothering you]

But seriously. My nan is always spouting off about how evil I am because I'm not Christian. I hate to say it, but look at the state of the world. There's two sides to the argument - if God loved us, why wouldn't he save us?

Simple. He supposedly gave us the intelligence to do it ourselves.

And while I'm here, I'd just like to say one thing: Lucifer. He fell from grace because he refused to believe humanity was better and purer than God. I have to say, I agree with him. Humans worship God and angels and Jesus as something better than themselves and claim they need to be saved from their sins, but when one of those very angels turns around and says "you know what, humans are right, they're a terrible species" we get all high-and-mighty and offended by it.

What?

My friend always says she's a sarcastic bitch and she means it, and yet when someone else says it she gets offended. You can't have your apple half-peeled.

So yeah, I do believe higher beings helped create the Earth. I don't think one did it by himself. It's like "this person beat cancer!" well, yeah, but where would they be without their doctors and nurses and friend and family? They didn't do it alone.

[When it takes hold
your heart grows cold
the very soul seeps out of you
Burn, burn, burn
Whatcha gonna do
When this storm takes over you?]

the sensational crusader. (: