Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Outside In

"When the sun comes up about ten in the mornin'
And the sun goes down about three in the day
And you'll fill your cup with whatever bitter brew you're drinkin'
And you spend your life just thinkin' of how to get away."

Hasn't everyone felt like that before? Like a fly in a spider's web; you get caught, you struggle and struggle and struggle and the web only gets tighter and you just end up in an even bigger mess than what you were in to start with.

Time passes in leaps and bounds, then slows to a crawl and you're left thinking about what it is you wanna do with your life. You start panicking, thinking about all the endless possibilities of the future, about leaving your friends and family.

The thing is, I've spent my whole life thinking about my escape from this town and everything in it. The stereotypes, the judgment, the gossiping old ladies. All the while people are pushing me to do this, do that, go here, wait, come all the way back over here. Well what if I don't want to? Who says I have to conform to life's rules?

Who says I have to be the same?

Who says I can't be different?

Who says I can't be the president, a writer, a doctor, a mum? Who says I can't fall in love with whoever I want to? Who says anybody can't do any of these things?

When life gives you the lemons... squeeze them in people's eyes and run.

Granted, not everything has happened the way I had it planned out. Josh died from cancer (he's been gone a year now; time is relative to suffering) and my other friend killed themselves. I don't know why they did it and I don't think I ever will. I can't imagine not seeing beauty in the world. I am afraid to die. But I'm not afraid to admit it.

But... despite it all, everything has come together. I'm taking it one day at a time. The future isn't so scary if you look at it in increments.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that YOU have to be enough for YOU. Nobody can tell you what you're worth, where you're going or why, except God. So why are you worrying? Who cares what everyone else says? They don't know you. They can't see you. The only people who can see you are God... and you.

How is it that we spend our entire lives worrying about what people think of us? As a race, aren't we past exterior and more interested in interior? Apparently not.

Because the two boys that were taken from me were my best friends. And I tried so hard to hold on to them. It was like holding smoke. it stays in your hands for a while, looks substantial, and once you open your fingers, it's gone.

Don't take anything for granted. Travel, see the world, love with a heart that's full an unbroken because you've only got 100 years to live.

Feels like everyone else's got the answers
You got shadows, they got light
You just got a heap of questions
While they got everything right

Feels like someone made your body
Somebody else your mind
A mismatch in so many ways
You were always one step behind

While the other found each other
You were left alone
A magic ring around their world
That kept you from their zone

You try to settle in your shadow life
Don't know where you end, or begin
But you wonder, sometimes, if they feel it too
Inside out and outside in.

-A Solitary Blue