Sunday, June 27, 2010

Riz's birthday part 2

Okeydokey. I'm back with part 2! I'd post more photos, but I kind of took like 300 and figured that you guys didn't need to see them all (especially the ones that have a maid's outfit in them). So, onward!

1. It was a dark and spooky night.

Backstory: I am being deadly serious with the title. It was about nine at night and we were all hyper from the copious amounts of sugar we'd ingested. From left to right are Kelsey, Karisma and Ashlyn. We all got around the campfire... and then Jamie busts out the ghost stories, Enyar and Grace tremble with fear and I take delight in sneaking up behind them and scaring the panties off them. :D

2. And then there were two.

Backstory: Me and smashin' Ashlyn! Everyone makes fun of us because Ashlyn is a gentle giant and I'm kind of, well, short. And I can be VERY aggressive and outspoken when you rile me up. Anyway, we were the only two at the party daring enough to eat an unidentified black shape at the bottom of one of the bowls. I don't know what it was but it tasted great!

3.The Littlest Woolworths employee.

Backstory: That red thing Jamie's holding is this weird chuzzle-thing. We got it as a communal gift for Riz for her birthday. Anyway, Jamie's kind of obsessed with it because we got it at Woollies, where he works. He had it over his face, but he thought I'd taken the picture already, and he was still smiling when I took it. Yay :D (Yes, he does look slightly insane. He usually looks like this. No, he's not on crack/pot/crystal meth/heroin/mushrooms).

4. And then there were spastics.

Backstory: We'd just arrived. Karisma appointed me official photographer (a good thing, seeing as I am pathologically obsessed with taking pictures of anything and everything) and I started straight away! At the front is her mother, Marisa, (who is like a second mother to me) then her sister Alloya peering around the side, Ashlyn at the back and Karisma at the side. I love this photo <3>


Backstory: We do this at one birthday party every year. Last year we did it at mine with fluffy rings, and this year with glowsticks at Karisma's. My arm is the bottom center one (kudos to me for getting such a good picture with only one hand on a camera phone) Karisma's is the middle left one, Ashlyn's is the one above hers and Jamie is the one to the right of me. I can't identify anyone else D:

6. And then there were awesome shoes.

Backstory: Me and Enyar have ALWAYS owened shoes that are about 395349856w349876854 times cooler than anybody else's (yes, there's a random W in that number, I can't be bothered taking it out :P) and we are NOT just tooting our own horns, everyone says so. Enyar's were fifty dollars from Sportsgirl (she's on the left) and mine were thirty dollars... from :D

And now I leave you with only one more word.


the sensational crusader! (:

Riz's birthday.

First of all, though, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS HERE :D time to do whatever I want, whenever I want (this is pretty much what I do all the time anyway, but I'm not under time constraints :D). My first endeavor of the holidays was Riz's birthday party.

Jamie with his balloon thingy. Me and Riz had a bet that there wasn't enough hot air in him to inflate the balloon using a long cardboard tube (Riz owes me twenty dollars). Anyway, just to prove his point he stickytaped it. I think by this point he'd had a lot of sherbet.

In this country, the policy "innocent until proven guilty" is the general gist of all wrongdoing, but not in Jamie and Karisma's case. They are always assumed guilty until proven innocent. The look on Jamie's face is sort of "it wasn't me hey!" when in actual fact it was him (he filled a balloon with sherbet so it went all over our clothes. This was taken just before impact).

Enyar and Niknak (Nicolina). I love this picture, Nicolina had to wrestle Enyar into the frame. She was still smiling though <3

I'll post more later, and probably about the party, but right now I need to start my holiday homework or I'm going to drown in it. Lol :P

the sensational crusader! (:

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Random post?

Yeah, I do post obsessive-compulsively every day. I have to!!! The best thing about blogging is that I can say all the things on here that I can't say out loud, or wouldn't dare to. It's like Dunbar says. You can kill people. You just shouldn't (certain parts of this I disagree with lol :) very few people have it in them to kill another).

We had a surprise party for Riz today at lunch (it was her birthday yesterday, which was the 21st here and the 20th everywhere else). It was my job to lure her away and distract her while everything was set up. I didn't lure her so much as drag her away to the career's office, where I announced I needed to talk to Ms Adler.

As we walked back she's going "Ayla, what did you do?" And I'm like "Nothing! I see no evil, I speak no evil, I do no evil! I am INNOCENT of all wrongdoing! IT WASN'T ME EY IT WAS THE CHAIR EY! Why do you always think it's me!" and the entire time I'm walking ahead so she doesn't notice I'm pissing myself laughing at her.

The look on her face was PRICELESS XD I wish I'd taken pictures but I didn't. I didn't have time to get my camera :) She was like "You said you had nothing to do with it!" and I was like "I lied... :D" but you could tell she was happy, she was almost crying :)

OK, so now I move onto a serious topic. Can ANYBODY explain to me what the hell is happening in Afghanistan at the moment? Because honestly, I have no idea and the fact that three more Aussie Diggers are dead is pissing me off. It's not our war. I have no idea why we're over there at all! Plus, we have to do an English assignment on it, and I suppose because Americans seem to be more involved in it (they have way more troops there) I guess I thought they'd know more.

I always say "we shouldn't be there, it's not our war". But I've just come to realise that that was what everyone said about Hitler. Nothing was done about the threat until the threat was right on their doorstep. Had someone come in and crushed Hitler like the worthless piece of shit he was, countless innocents wouldn't have been lost.

[I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
I don't have time to go round and round and round]

OK, I'm kind of jumping from topic to topic today. But has anyone ever looked at you on the street and you've thought "I should stay away from that person"? Well, a few weeks ago, a guy at my school - who I KNEW - molested a couple of girls in my year and the years below. I won't name him. Point is, I cannot explain how much I hate him without offending people with my trashy mouth.

The day before it happened, he actually followed me to the girl's toilets when I was getting my books from my locker. The doors have a big glass panel that's pebbled, and I could see his shadow outside the door. He waited for me for over half the lesson to come out before leaving. What a disgusting, sick pervert. And when I say "sick" I don't just mean he's gross. I mean he's sick. In the head. I mean he needs help.

[Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting]

Anyway, today I was up the street after school, and I saw him getting out of his car. Let it be known, he's only a few months older than me and only as tall as me (which, let's face it, isn't huge... I'm about 5'5" or 165 centimeters tall) but to me, he seemed evil.

And you know what he said? He said "Hi, Ayla" like he HADN'T wanted to rape me or molest me, like he had never once laid a hand on those poor little girls in the lower year levels, like he hadn't robbed them of their innocence.

If this was a sitcom or drama, this would be the point where the five-minute stare comes in and I then lower my head and walk away. Unfortunately for him, this is not a sitcom or drama. This is not As the World Turns, Home and Away (God I hate that show) or Neighbours. This is reality, and in reality not every girl is the damsel in distress that Jamie thought I would be.

This BOY is looking at me like I'm a piece of meat, like he owns me, with this hungry look in his eyes. He looks at me like he wouldn't mind raping me (let's get this straight, he wouldn't). He looks at me like I'm a jaybird and he's an eagle. He looks at me like "it's only a matter of time". He looks at me like "that was a close call, wasn't it?". He looks at me like "you're the one who got away."

[Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go!]

So he says "Hi Ayla" like he actually has ANY RIGHT to speak to me, and I lose it. A little. A lot. I walked over to him and cracked my fist into his face as hard as I could. He deserved it. I asked him if he felt like a man for what he'd done to those little girls, who were only twelve and thirteen (yeah, that's little to me). I asked him if he got pleasure from it. I asked him if he would enjoy being someone's toy in jail. I told him that the one thing even prisoners hate is a child molester. That even most people who are below the law and have fallen through the cracks find it sickening that someone could do that to a child.

[I can't hold onto me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Don't wanna lock me up inside]

He's not allowed back at school. Even though he hasn't been convicted of anything yet, the court of law and justice has ruled that he's not allowed back in school. Good. He's a waste of air anyway. Besides, I think I did some damage today. He looked pretty shaken up, like, shit, my would-be victim stood up to me. She doesn't give a shit what people think of her, if they think she's violent or not. He looks like maybe she's right, maybe I am sick. He looks at me like, wow, I just realised the damage I've inflicted.

And then I told him he was going to burn in hell. You know what he did at that point?

He smiled.

The bastard smiled at me. He said he was already halfway there.

[All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a voice, without a thought, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong!
Bring me to life]

Mum says maybe getting sent to jail might be a wake up call for him. I disagree. People like that don't see children as what they are. They see them as scraps of meat, delicacies waiting to be taken. People like that don't feel guilt, or sadness, or anger. They're... emotionally mute. If you don't feel guilt for something you've done wrong, how can you even realise you ARE wrong?

I'd love to hear some opinions on this. From EVERYONE :) I know there are people who view this blog without leaving a message or commenting, but I would seriously love to hear some opinions. I love a good debate :)

the sensational crusader. (:

Saturday, June 19, 2010

This is it

So this is really it. When I was in year 7 (12 years old, freaking scared of the world and everything in it) I never imagined that I might be sixteen someday, having life flash past as a series of snapshots. I don't remember year seven much. It was a series of circles, and when I think about it now I never really did anything worthwhile.

I thought life was so freaking tough whenever I got a sheet of homework or had to go to tutoring because my maths sucked. I was the most miserable kid on the block, to me and a lot of other people. I wasn't one of those bubbly, happy girls who doesn't have a care in the world. I was the child who struggled.

[And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing so baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back]

I have twelve months of school left. Twelve months before I'm on my own in Adelaide in university learning how to save people from themselves. Twelve months before I leave all my friends and family behind. Twelve months before everything I've ever known ends.

Already, Karisma is beginning to grow apart from us a bit. Everyone is going to university except her. Her end of year scores don't matter to her, and ours don't matter to her. How do you explain to someone who doens't care that that score is everything you've been working towards your entire life?

[I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun]

But I'm not afraid. I'm not scared of change. Change happens with or without consent. Even if I wasn't going to uni, my friends would be. We can't be kids forever. I wonder sometimes if having that realization is the point at which you become an adult.

In that case, I haven't been a kid for a really long time. People say I was born into the mind of a forty-year old. I don't know really; I can definitely have fun, and out of all my friends I'm probably the one most likely to cheer everybody else up. But there's always so much going on beneath the surface, and so few people know that. Even my parents don't. I don't like people knowing that I think about these things.

[You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go]

Everyone asks me why I'm moving to Adelaide, four hours from anybody I know. The answer is simple - I wanna know if I'm as goddamn tough as everybody seems to think I am. I want to know if I can make it on my own. I don't want to know what will happen if I stay here.

You never truly know a person, that's what they say. You don't ever truly know yourself. You could say "if I saw someone holding up a bank I'd rush in and save the people inside" but in reality you might not do it. How would you ever know how you would react unless you'd done it before, and who says everything will be the same way a second time?

So here I am, and I'm sixteen and two hundred and ninety three days and seventy two away from being seventeen and four hundred and thirty seven days from being eighteen and that far away from going to university and am I scared? Nah, not really. I reckon I'll be alright. All I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid is grow up. I wanted to grow up and be a doctor so I could help people.

Well, I realised my grades weren't good enough for that. So now I take psychology and I hope I can break people out of their own heads and let them see the sunlight again. I love the sun. It's beautiful. I would kill myself if I lived in a world that had no sun.

[I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems]

Everyone thinks that I'm afraid of leaving. I'm not afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of being left. The longer I stay here, the more people will disappear. If I go first, it's on my terms. Maybe.

I'm not scared of the world and everything in it like that little year seven girl was anymore. I'm scared of not seeing it. I'm scared of reaching ninety-five and suddenly wishing Gee, I wish I'd done that. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. I wish I'd taken a risk.

Heaven forbid I end up like that.

the sensational crusader! (:

Some pics :)

I have nothing to say tonight (again T.T) so I thought I'd post some pictures I took today while shopping (and other fun timez :D)

1. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Backstory: Bored at Hudak's cafe, me and Erin decided to sit on the top floor, away from all the small annoying children :) she decided she wanted to regress into her second childhood (note the army boots. This girl is not to be fooled with).

2: Escape.

Backstory: Erin decides she doesn't much like the enclosed, trapped feeling of the kiddies enclosure, and makes a break for freedom (we almost got caught by a waitress :D).

3. Strange encounters.

Backstory: Erin tries to recite her Macbeth presentation to us. Karisma gets bored. Chaos ensues and I put my phone away before something could happen to it.

4. Ridin' solo.

Backstory: On his break, Jamie gets down and dirty with an under-threes tricyle (there was a mean joke somewhere around here, but I won't post it :P). He proceeds to wheel it madly around Target, scaring little children and getting chased by an old lady.

5. No explanation.

Backstory: Somehow we end up in the home decor department, and Karisma finds another tricycle. High off Mother and half my iced coffee, she decides it will be fun to ride up and down through racks of curtains on it, and turns to display her disdain of my photography. As you can see from her sister's stance, not many people are willing to associate with her. Lol, I do tho :D I think she said something like "TO THE PIMP MOBILE!" at the time.

6. Rainy days.

Backstory: My baby emos after I finally beat her at tug-of-war. She forgave me after I fed her some turkey meat :D

Well, that was fun! I have holidays soon, so I might not update during that time, but after that is the tertiary trip to Bendigo and Melbourne. Going it Bendigo Uni, Deakin Uni, RMIT and La Trobe for tours :D I'll keep a journal so I can update.

Comments are love.

the sensational crusader! (:

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had any deep and meaningful thoughts. One thing, though, is that I have a question - has anyone seen Michael Moore's documentaries? FYI I love them. <3

1.When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?
I turn the hot tap all the way to the side (because it's winter) let the whole bathroom steam up so it's warm when I get out and then get in and turn the water back. It's an unorthodox method, yes, but a good one :)

2.Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Sometimes. If they look interesting. I own 6 different shampoos (by no fault of my own. Dad does the shopping).

3.Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial?
The whosawhatsit commercial? Who makes something like that?

4.Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

5.Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
I have no siblings! Except a half brother I never lived with :)

6.Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? Can't say that I have. Now it's on my to-do list.

7.Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
No. 'Cause I'm just good like that.

8.How old do you look?
People say when I'm in my school uniform about 16, work uniform 14 and dressed normally 18. The school uniform makes me look small an innocent T.T Riz says boots make me look dangerous. Which I am.

9.How old do you act?
Let's not go there.

10.What's the last song you sang?
Chasing Cars :) it was on the speakers at work

11.Have you recently become a member of anything?
....Such as?

12.What are your plans for the weekend?
Going shopping on Saturday, then work on Sunday and then deb practice on Sunday as well :)

13.Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?
I don't know lol

14.Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice? I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to all you lovely readers that rice is not remotely sexy. Except to weevels. Weevels love rice.

15.Does anything on your body itch right now?
My brain. Maths makes it hurt D:

16.Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?
Your mom. :)

17.Who's the sexiest famous man alive?
Ian Somerholder. Oh my goodness, I almost die every time he does something really nasty or evil to Stefan.

18.Does every family have a crazy uncle?
Mine does! Mine has several...

19.Have you ever smuggled something into America?
I was eight. My thoughts were elsewhere, such as the Hershey's chocolate I had at the time. I figured I could plan world domination thought nail clippers later.

20.Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
No. In fact, the only one it seems attractive to is them. Speaking from experience, they become stuck up and all holier-than-thou.

21.Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
YES! Yes we do, we won state levels in football and BADMINTON XD

22.Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?
Yep. All the time.

23.Have you ever had sex in a tent?
No. I've never had sex and I don't like tents, too many spiders :S

24.What about in a boat?
I get seasick. That could be messy.

25.Have you ever dated a Goth?
They're heaps of fun!

26.Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?
Can't I choose both? :D

27.Can you fix your own car?
Yes. It's called taking it to a mechanic, handing over a fifty and saying "I'll be back at the end of the day".

28.Would you want to kill George W Bush yourself if you were guaranteed to get away with it?
Probably. The guy single-handedly screwed America over within 3 months of the 9/11 bombings.

29.Should guys wear pink?
That's their choice. I personally think some guys look great in it.

the sensational crusader :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Our own keepers

[So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing
Stand through the pain
You won't drown]

Sorry I haven't posted :) I've been thinking a lot, lately, and writing a lot, and I've realised that everything I ever thought about my friends has been wrong or misinformed in some way. You can never know what actions drive a person to do the things they do.

I'll never know why Kelsey used to cut herself. Sure, I know some of the reasons. But I'll never know exactly what drove her to that point. As a cup half full person, I can't imagine being so without hope and so in pain that the only way to take it away is to create a physical hole to leak it out of.

I've come to the conclusion that pain doesn't kill. Fear of pain does.

[What's left to say
With all that's come and gone?
Words get in the way
And anyway the Devil's got your tongue.]

And I have no idea why people choose to keep it to themselves. You think it'd be easier, having someone around to talk to during those hardest times - and some people don't have anybody to talk to, or the people who are supposed to be there for them just aren't for some reason (whatever reason).

[Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.]

Is it anything forgivable, being in blissful ignorance of one of your best friend's pain so you can pay attention to the other's? Is it forgivable to almost hate them because they were the reason you had to ignore them in favor of your other friend in the first place? Can you forgive them for telling her "it won't hurt, just one cut so I won't feel so alone"?

It's kind of sad that you, my readers, may know me better than anybody else out there, because these are thoughts and feelings I wouldn't dare convey - couldn't convey - to anybody I know personally. Some things have to stay quiet, hidden. Like my literature teacher says, you never truly know someone.

I don't think you ever truly know YOURSELF. You could guess at how you were going to act in a certain situation, but what happens when that situation comes about?

[It's 4am I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I've lost my way into your room
I'm spiralling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but
I know one day you and I will be free]

Which is it, for any of us? Peace or freedom?

"Once upon a time, I thought I was put on this earth to save my sister. Now I realise... that wasn't the point. The point was that I HAD a sister. And she was the best." - Anna Fitzgerald, My Sister's Keeper

the sensational crusader. (:

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Alright, I had to post something but I couldn't think of anything to post, so here you go :) This is something I wrote a while ago, two days before Josh died.

"Clouds, and I can't see any more beauty.

It's a nice cold ten degrees and the concrete is red and wet beneath my feet, the grass springing from a drought stricken ground, the sky a blazing blue, the clouds fluffy and carefree, leaves green and gold and red, moving into autumn now, and I have never seen anything so beautiful as this.

Beauty, in the eye of the beholder; the beholder, me, the beauty, my own backyard on a frosty Monday morning, Dad in America and Mum off doing the shopping. Dog, running around, thundering paws, cold air whistling through her nose, braking, chasing birds, birds that fly - I wish I could run like that, run and run and RUN and never get tired and never look back 'cause maybe that'd mean I could fight forever as well.

Birds, wings, feathers, tiny parachutes, song, so beautiful. I can't whistle, but I have ears, I can hear the music, joy to be alive, so beautiful, tiny little hearts, tiny little ribs, a little cafe of life and energy. Take the time, appreciate, I love the sun, I love the cold, I love the way the rocks poke my feet 'cause it reminds me I'm real, love the way my dog barks because she wants me to throw the ball, love how she sits on my feet and rubs her head against my hips and is so warm. She is alive. I am alive. right now, I am the only person with my dog whom I love so very much, and I can imagine that it will be alright. So long as I am aline, it will be alright.

I breathe air he will never taste again, I see colours, explosive, details, so miniscule, so important, everything made of cells, beauty and pain all in one and why have I never realised how beautiful it all is before, why haven't I noticed there is more to life than life?

So comment please :) I don't usually write like that or leave it feeling so raw and untamed at the end, but when I wrote this I needed to feel. I needed to get it down before I forget everything I had realised in that two hours I stood out there.


the sensational crusader. (:

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


So I've been watching Skins, a British reality TV show, and I've realised one thing - most humans are more terrified than anything that tomorrow won't come, that for whatever reason, their last breath will occur the moment they slide into sleep.

My grandma once told me that a person who's lived a full life isn't afraid of dying. I disagree. I would still be scared of dying. More than that, I'm afraid someone close to me will die - just like Josh did. I see Libby fighting her way through a myriad of facades every single day just so she doesn't drag the people she loves into her misery as well.

[I miss those days
And I miss those ways
The days I got lost in fantasy
In a cartoon world of mysteries
In a place you don't grow old
In a place you don't grow cold]

When I look ahead in life, I just see this huge, huge slab of concrete bricks, because there are so many paths to take they all overlap so much you can barely see the spaces in between. Maybe I'm in a space between right now. Maybe all school-age kids are, because they haven't realised that the real world is one of pain.

It's also one of beauty and hard work.

If you think about it, humanity is about preserving the past to enrich the present. We work so hard just to find out about things a lot of people find menial - like when did the dinosaurs go extinct, or how were the Egyptian pyramids constructed, or why exactly did Hitler turn out the way he is, and why was JFK assassinated, and where did legends and myths stem from?

Typically, we all spend our lives in much the same pattern - school, home, school, home, uni, home, uni, home, work, home, work, home... but then there's always that one person in a million who dares to step outside the pattern and go against what everyone else thinks.

[You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole]

We owe everything humanity is to those people, people like John Dee and Katherine Mansfield and Mary Shelley for pointing out the ugly truth, and the beautiful truth. Humanity is capable of creating beauty. Beauty is capable of creating pain.

And we owe people like my literature teacher, Dunbar, who aren't afraid to teach us outside the box, to tell us things that nobody else remembers or maybe never even knew, who aren't afraid to break the rules if it means it gives us just that slight advantage.

I wonder a lot about whether anybody thinks the way I do, and most of the time, it makes me feel alienated, like I'm not a part of whatever bigger picture there is, that I'm a puzzle piece that's been packed into the wrong box and I just don't fit anywhere. And then, sometimes, very rarely, it makes me feel like I can take on the world, like I really do have an advantage 'cause I'm lucky enough to have met all these amazing people who have taught me so many amazing and astounding things.

[So much is happening to me
So much that I can't even see
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be
Catch me if I should fall
And even more so while I'm standing tall]

I'm grateful I watched "Signs" which demonstrated the power of coincidence, and "War of the Worlds" that showed me even the simplest things make a difference. I'm glad I saw the Little Mermaid and witnessed a human's capacity to love, and I'm glad I watched Valkyrie, how Tom Cruise portrayed the human spirit as something utterly unbreakable.

Most of the time, I'm just glad I'm alive.

[You don't understand what I'm going through
Just to find a way to find a way to climb
It'll be in my own time]

I'm incredibly happy every time I go to school, just because I see so many different people, and it doesn't matter if I don't like them or not, it's just observing them and how they act that's totally amazing. I'm grateful I took psychology and know the contributing factors to a human personality, and I find it hard to believe now that a human is just a machine. How could something so complex be a machine?

Machine implies we're all copies of one another.

"When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky, that came into this world because she and my father loved me so much. Most babies are coincidences. I mean, up in space you've got these souls flying around, looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam. Coincidence. I on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A doctor hooked up my mother's eggs and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes, I wonder, what would have happened if Kate had been healthy? I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever, waiting to be attached to a body down here on earth. But coincidence or not... I'm here." - Anna Fitzgerald, My Sister's Keeper

the sensational crusader. (:

Monday, June 7, 2010

Utter unimportance (:

I'm sorry. But I HAD TO POST THESE. My two new candle holders :)

sorry about that lol :)

the sensational crusader!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Looong rant

[Take a breath
Just take a seat
You're falling apart
And tearing at the seams]

So apparently, while me and Riz were away today (no we weren't wagging lol, Riz busted a ligament in her knee and I was sick) Erin walked up to Monique and said "we'd prefer it if you didn't hang out with us anymore" and left her standing there.

Now, Erin's my best friend, and I don't particularly like Monique anymore, but was the bitchiness really necessary?

Makes things real
Makes things feel
Feel alright]

Maybe there'll come a time where I can look her in the eye and say "I forgive you" and mean it. Maybe there'll come a time where I can laugh with her again and have those silly arguments about Twilight. But maybe that time will never come, and maybe I'll grow tired of fighting for things that can't be saved.

God help me, I hope that never happens.

The moment a human stops fighting a fruitless battle is when they become little more than an animal. If you think about it, fighting to stay alive is just ridiculous, from a pessimist's point of view; we're going to die anyway. So, in their eyes, why not choose your own manner of dying and when?

Because it's against most humans' nature to hurt another. And suicide does that. Suicide doesn't make the pain go away. It lets it grow and fester and transfer into other people.

[We're separate
Two ghosts in one mirror
Later on
If it turns to chaos
Coming all around us]

But I won't be one of those people. I'm not going to let Monique drag me down with her like she did at the start of the year. I'm not going to sit here and think "but what did I do?" I'm going to think "what didn't I do and what could I have done differently?"

I am so tired of her attempting to dump on us, and then get back in with us. We aren't toys, and if she asks me anything about it tomorrow that's exactly what I'll say. I'll just tell her that she's screwed us over too many times for us to be the Mother Theresas of the world anymore. I mean, I'm forgiving, but there's only so much one person can take.

But this brings me to something else - if Erin can act so callously towards Monique, is she really any better? Speaking from experience, playing mind games with someone who's supposed to be your friend isn't fun. Even if you end up "winning". It leaves you exhausted and wondering if you're actually any good to anybody.

[Frame by frame
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving
The threat of your love in the headlights]

There were men at Pine's Neck, men who were so vastly outnumbered they knew they had a matter of minutes to live, in world war one who kept fighting just to give their comrades some time to escape. There was a little dog named Pepper, rescued off a battlefield by an Australian soldier, who tunnelled thirty metres to a leaking gas line, allowing him access, and allowing him to save an entire platoon of men.

There was Samson and his donkey, who ferried countless injured men across the battlefield just because they didn't know what else to do, who was shot down doing this very thing, just because politicians were too weak and pathetic to fight their own fights.

There was John F Kennedy, who said that America would "pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty." - Who died because he was a good president, too good a president to keep around.

There was the antihero, Claus Von Stauffenburg, who fought till the very end trying to bring Hitler to his knees, and very almost succeeded, despite all his allies pulling out on him at the last minute, who's last words were "Long live sacred Germany!" despite the horrific scars the country had from war and Hitler's regime of terror.

"Boy oh boy. The price of freedom is steep." - Zack Fair

the sensational crusader (:

Friday, June 4, 2010

It was a good one

I don't really know if I'm capable of hating Monique for all that she is.

It's against human nature to be alone. In general, we try to find companions so we feel like if something were to happen to us, we wouldn't be alone and that someone would miss us if we were gone.

[Heaven forbid
You end up alone
And don't know why]

I like being alone. I have a group of twelve people I hang out with in general and tons and tons of people I hang out with otherwise, and out of all of them only five would classify as my best friend, and I can only trust Riz with anything. But I do like being by myself. I like getting on buses and just riding them around town. It gives me time to think.

So I can't blame Monique for wanting to get back in with our group, and I can't blame her for starting with me, seeing as I was the one who let her hang with us first and seeing as (and I'm not just tooting my own horn here) I have a reputation around the year level for being unfailingly fair. But she's done her dash with me.

Have you ever looked at someone who you used to be close to and thought "I'll never trust you again" and know it's not one of those silly, anger-and-hurt induced moments, but the truth? And they look at you and they don't realise and they think everything is OK but you're thinking "I've cut you out of my life, just try me"?

[You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye that looks a lot like goodbye
Hold on to your secrets tonight
Don't want to know I'm OK with this silence
It's truth that I don't want to hear]

Because that's what I did months ago with Monique. I'm a forgiving person. I don't blame her for making all the wrong choices. Everyone makes mistakes and you can't resent people for it, it's human nature. There was a time when I thought I needed her.

Now I realise I don't.

It's a shock to realise that you never really needed someone, but they had you so utterly convinced you did you lied to yourself. And in a way it makes you so mad, so utterly furious.

Monique's badmouthed Riz and Erin. And when it comes down to it, I'll choose them over everyone, every time. That might change, it might even change tomorrow, but for now, it's the truth.

[When all you know seems so far away
And everything is different
Rest your head
I'm permanent]

But we had some good ones, didn't we?

We spent all that time having arguments about whether twilight sucked or not (it sucks btw, and I usually won those arguments) and we could always depend on one another, just not for the important stuff.

[And now she lives inside
Someone she does not recognise
When she catches her reflection on accident...]

But it can't be the same, because I know what you've said about my friends and when you're saying it about them, you may as well be saying it about me as well. The price of a human's pride is steep, and she won't admit that she's more in the wrong than any of us. We all did bad stuff, and all of us are a little in the wrong.

[You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be...]

And neither are you.

the sensational crusader. (:

Song list:
The Fray - Heaven Forbid
David Cook - Lie
David Cook - Permanent
Death Cab For Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed


OK, so I've recovered from my emoness of 3 days ago. Sorry guys ^^ let me tell you, it won't happen often. I'm usually a really cheerful person. I've made some decisions and I think they're going to help me a lot, so I shouldn't be emoing much more :)

My exams are mostly finished (thank God). I just have the general assessed knowledge test and psychology to go. I actually passed my maths exam, which is totally awesome!

There isn't much else to report, other than Monique just invited me to be friends on facebook. There's a story to this, a long and funny one. She was supposedly my best friend, but started hanging out with another group. She deleted me off her friends, so I invited her back. When she accepted, I defriended AND blocked her.

Now the people she hangs out with don't like her so she's just invited me back to her friends. She called Riz a slut and she told Jamie she doesn't like Erin.

[Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them]

So, my two best friends, or her?

It'll always be them.

the sensational scarab (:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I know I've already posted today, but I was just thinking. I probably need some new friends.

Jayne and Libby and Kelsey - people I had never even talked to before this year - treat me like a person. Riz and Erin treat me like I'm an object. Like I'm just some heavy deadweight they have to carry around everywhere. Last year Erin made me her emotional punching bag for the last two months of it.

She hasn't realised, but I still haven't let her back in.

I have a group of ten "best friends" and we're all "tight" and we can all "trust one another." The thing is, they lie to each other and me, spread rumours about others and incessantly bitch about people who don't conform to their ideas. There isn't a single person in that group who hasn't stabbed me in the back.

So I'm seriously thinking, why am I even still around them? They don't give a shit about me, or if they do, they don't show it. Why aren't I hanging with Jayne, who used to smoke weed but is a nicer person, or Libby, who has depression and is on a thousand different medications but treats me better?

Nicolina and Kelsey (from my group) only ever message me when they want me to cover their shifts at work. Nessy confides in me and then pushes me away. Monique, let's not go there.

Jamie? I have no idea who he is anymore.

Sorry for ranting. Nobody reads this anyway I suppose.

the sensational crusader. (:

Just a little note

I've almost finished exams, thank God XD English was monday, 3 essays in 2 and a half hours, then the next day was Maths (which I'm fairly sure I failed) and then I had Media (which was awesome, because it was a study of the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", which I love). Today I have Literature, tomorrow HD and then on Wednesday next week I have the GAT and then Psychology.


I just wanted to say something here - a lot of people have asked me what my religion is, because my entire family is Christian and therefore I MUST be Christian as well. Sorry to disappoint, I'm not. I'm agnostic. I don't believe in God, but I do believe in something higher.

I don't believe one being created the entire universe. I believe many beings got it started. I believe they put us on the right path. After that I believe that humans proceeded to develop on their own, with maybe some outside help.

[So here you are
demons screaming in your head
you try to shut them out
but they just get louder instead
and nothing you do
can seem to break through
this darkness smothering you]

But seriously. My nan is always spouting off about how evil I am because I'm not Christian. I hate to say it, but look at the state of the world. There's two sides to the argument - if God loved us, why wouldn't he save us?

Simple. He supposedly gave us the intelligence to do it ourselves.

And while I'm here, I'd just like to say one thing: Lucifer. He fell from grace because he refused to believe humanity was better and purer than God. I have to say, I agree with him. Humans worship God and angels and Jesus as something better than themselves and claim they need to be saved from their sins, but when one of those very angels turns around and says "you know what, humans are right, they're a terrible species" we get all high-and-mighty and offended by it.


My friend always says she's a sarcastic bitch and she means it, and yet when someone else says it she gets offended. You can't have your apple half-peeled.

So yeah, I do believe higher beings helped create the Earth. I don't think one did it by himself. It's like "this person beat cancer!" well, yeah, but where would they be without their doctors and nurses and friend and family? They didn't do it alone.

[When it takes hold
your heart grows cold
the very soul seeps out of you
Burn, burn, burn
Whatcha gonna do
When this storm takes over you?]

the sensational crusader. (: