Seventeen Years

So I've been alive for 17 years now, and I think I spent at least 15 of those living in blissful ignorance of the world around me. It's only been recently that I've looked around and just had an "oh my... wow" reaction to things.

I've also learned a lot of things that I wish I hadn't, and most of them have been over the past year. I grew so much since February this year it seems insane that I could possibly handle it all, but I did. And I know I had help.

I learned that everything dies. Josh died and even though I knew it was coming, knew it was coming for months before it did, I spent a lot of time angry about it. He was only 18 when he died, only a year older than me, and he's spent so much time in hospital I wondered how he could possibly have learned all the things I had? I didn't see why he had to die. Now I know there is no reason.

Death is death. It doesn't discriminate. And I wish that I was that little girl who believed that the bad guys got what was coming to them and that the good guys got their happily-ever-after.

[Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now]

I learned that the one person who isn't supposed to hurt you probably will. I've learned it's often the person you least expect. I've learned that most people have two sides - who they are, and what you see. I've learned that the effort it takes into carefully cultivating these two faces is effort better spent doing something else.

So I've cut those people out of my life. I don't like fakes. And even more than that, I don't like people who seem like they're fake but they're not, they're just shallow, and those people make me depressed. I hang out with 12 different people and of those 12 I trust 3 - Enyar, Riz, and Jayne. The rest of them? I don't even know them. I've known Elenn since we were in diapers and I don't know who she is anymore.

[I saw a picture of you hanging in an empty hallway
I heard a voice that I knew but I couldn't turn away
It sent me back to the end of everything
I taste it all, I tasted all the tears again]

I've learned that sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Especially not for me. If half the people in my school asked me if I liked them (not that my opinion matters to anybody) I would honestly have to say no. And it's a total drag when people tell you they don't like you. Also, if your friend asks you if you think that boy's hot, how are you supposed to tell her you're taken and just keeping it quiet?

In 17 years I've also had the fortune to meet lots of decent people and learn a lot of things. I've learned that everyone has their demons and that everyone has the ability to beat their demons. My P.E teacher, Mr. Thomas, has worshipped God since he was 13 and suffered from depression for 10 years. I believe that he was saved by God.

That's another thing. I found God. It was a long time coming but I eventually realised that none of this could exist without His intervention. Scientists say humans are just complicated machines. I say to that - machines are all the same and work in the same way. Humans are all different and work in different ways. We can't be machines.

[Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
Give back what you get anyway
Go all the way back to yesterday]

I've learned that I'm better off alone. I'm not saying it for attention. I just am. Apart for a few special people, generally speaking, I don't like where the species is heading and I'd rather bail than go down with the ship. (Please don't misunderstand. I like people. But I don't like what they represent). I'm sick of seeing ridiculous news paper articles. I'm tired of seeing footballers paid their weight in hundred-dollar bills while kids in third-world countries are suffering.

And yet I love this planet. And I love with everything I have. I don't think I've ever felt before that maybe I'm making a difference. But to two or three people, I am, and I know I am, and it makes me feel like I have a place in this world, like I'm not just wandering around meaninglessly, waiting for destiny to trip me over.

[Before you break you have to shed your own mind
Tell a stranger that they're beautiful
So that all you feel is love]

Signing out. :)

-a solitary blue.

TAG TAG TAG XD

First of all, I love tags.

Second of all, I'm sorry I haven't been blogging!

Third of all (?) I GOT A NEW IPOD NANO AND I AM SO HAPPY.

{1} What time do you wake up each morning? Why?

I get up at 6:40 on a school day because my showers take forever lol. And on Saturdays I get up at seven because I start work at eight. :S

{2} You've just woken up, and you're thirsty. You fix yourself a glass of...

A cup of tea. Probably a glass of orange juice soon because it's heading into summer. <3

{3} Where do you go to school? What do you like/dislike about it?

I got to Red Cliffs Secondary College, six hours from anyplace worth going. I LOVE the people there (for the most part) and I love that year 11's and 12's get their own rooms that we don't share with the junior school so we can study. Downside is that my mum works there so I have to be 100 percent good all the time.

{4} How many siblings do you have? What are their names and ages (if you're allowed to share)?

I have a half-brother on my Dad's side, from a previous marriage. He's Luke and he's 21. He's also awesome. FYI, he doesn't live with me.

{5} What is your favourite game to play with your family?

Oh, that's a tough one. Umm, probably just normal Cluedo, because I always win and Dad's reaction to losing gets me every time. :P

{6} What's the silliest thing you've ever done with your siblings, cousins or any other family member? Would you do it again if you could?

Whenever Luke comes over we attempt to breakdance. We both suck at it (a lot) and so one day we randomly rocked up to a Zumba fitness class. Luke ended up with a strained ligament and i had to drive him to the doctor's and our parents were furious. Yes, I would do this again! hahaha!

{7} What's your favourite game to play with you friends?

Charades. My friends are those kind of people you stare at in the street. Actually, that's where we play charades! And there's 12 of us, so... hahaha.

{8} If you could meet one person in the whole wide world (who's currently alive) who would it be? Why would you want to meet that person? What would you say to them?

Right now? Oh, this is a toughie... Uhhh, probably... Jenny Downham. I am completely in love with her novel "Before I Die". I don't think I'd be able to talk, I'd melt.

{9} If you could meet one person in the whole wide world (from the past) who would it be? Why would you want to meet that person? What would you say to them?

I wanna meet JFK. He was a truly awesome US president. And if I could meet him, I would say "we will bear any burden, pay any price, fight any foe, and do whatever we have to to ensure the continued success of liberty."

{10} What is your favourite way to worship God? Singing, dancing, playing an instrument, praying, fasting?

My P.E teacher holds this thing at recess and lunch time called "Students Alive" which is dedicated to worshipping God. I go every Tuesday and Thursday :)

{11} "God cares about the little things of life." Do you agree? Can you give a specific example of ways that God has shown Himself in the little things of your life?

Of course he does! God created everything that there is. I remember when I was at Josh's funeral, I just thought that everything was dead or had to die eventually, and that the cemetary was a place of death, but a butterfly landed on my hair just as I thought that.

{12} Is there a particular Bible verse that has stood out to you recently? Which verse and why?

John 3:16... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the trust. Love never fails."

{13} Your parents are out for the day, leaving you home alone (with your siblings). Then, your grandmother from out of state calls and says she'll be there in fifteen minutes. (She wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow). What do you do?

I grab my licence, my next door neighbour and drive up to the supermarket to get something to feed her because she's allergic to everything! (I only have a learner's permit so I need an adult in the car -.-)

{14} Have you ever traveled out of countru? Why did you go?

I've been to America (I live in Australia) New Zealand, Raratonga, and Fiji. We went for holidays! Oh, America was a submarine reunion my dad was invited to.

{15} What sport do you play and what do you enjoy about it?

Soccer!!! I love being able to kick something as hard as I want without getting in trouble (I kick things when I'm angry).

{16} Do you like cats or dogs better? If neither, specify:

I used to like cats, but then I got Naiyook and now I like dogs. I just love how friendly and nice dogs are. My cats are evil and they scare me.

{17} Country or city?

City. Only because I've lived in the country my entire life and everyone gossips about everyone. In the city, nobody cares who you are.

{18} Cowboy hat or prairie bonnet?

I don't know what a prairie bonnet is and I hate cowboy hats unless they're worn in context!

{19} Flip flops or tennis shoes?

Are Converse considered tennis shoes? If so then Converse.

{20} Do you like my (Ayla Gray's) blog?

I wish I had more to post about! Otherwise I love it :)

Rather than tag everybody - copy, paste and do it if you want to! Thanks to all the people following and thanks to Bleah Briann for sending them over here! XD

-a solitary blue.

Yesterday I died

[What do you think of me
Are you quite proud of this make believe
Curtain that hangs around
Everything
Caught admiring that girl
She's so damn beautiful]

What's wrong with a parent that they'd call their own kid a fat piece of crap? What's wrong with the world and all its people that we blow each other up - over a tiny scrap of land nobody wants anyway?

What's wrong with the world that when one girl in a school says "I'm gonna starve myself so I'm thin and pretty!" all her dumb friends jump off the proverbial cliff after her like the lemmings they are? What's wrong with the world that boys expect girls to fit into a size zero because that's what they see on TV, when only two percent of the population is a guy's idea of beautiful? Why should the minority falsely represent the majority?

[Yesterday I died
Tomorrow's bleeding
I fall into your sunlight
Future's open wide
Beyond the leaving
There's no why, hope dies...]

Eighty percent of ten to fourteen year olds are unhappy with their bodies. Over twenty percent of those will try binging and purging at some point, and, scarily enough, ten percent will live with Anorexia Nervosa. So many people in so many different countries fall between the cracks. Why should any one person, beautiful in their own right, feel the need to deprive themselves of essential things just to fit in?

Why should teenagers commit suicide because that one boy or girl didn't like them? Why should they cut into their arms and drain the blood God gave them? Why should they have to feel as if they're so alone, nothing will save them?

I want to make a difference. But I'm one person. I'm one person in seven billion and I don't think I can do it alone. I don't think anybody I even know, here, in Victoria, is willing to stand up for what's right. They're not willing to stand up to a girl nobody likes anyway and say "why are you making that girl's life hell? Why are you doing this?" because then they'd stand out and being an outsider is bad. Right?

[All is lost
But hope remains
And this war's not over
Let me go
I will run
I will not be silenced]

Wrong.

God created us to be different. If He wanted us to be the same He would have created us that way, carbon copies of one another. But He didn't - he made us all, with love, individual, unique. Do I believe that some people are bad? Yes. But they weren't born bad. God entrusts us to look after one another.

And we're doing a pathetic job.

All you ever see in the papers is "diggers blown up in Iraqi terrorist storm!" over here. I don't know how to get it through people's thick skulls - WE'RE IN THEIR LAND. WE are invading THEM. Not the other way around. We've been fighting so long we've forgotten what we're fighting over!

[Don't wanna cry for you
But there's nothing left to do
So if it'll make me feel better
Then I'm gonna cry, cry for you]

When the Black Saturday fires blazed through Victoria last year, it was thought to be a natural disaster - until arson experts discovered that at least three people had been behind instigating the horrific fires. 173 people dead, burned in their homes. 414 injured. 2,030 houses were destroyed, and estimated 3,500 structures in total.

The fires affected 78 towns. It displaced 7,562 people. The fires burned at about 2,190 degrees fahrenheit. That's bloody hot.

I don't think a lot of people understand how DRY it is here, even other Australians who live up in Queensland or Ballarat where it's wet almost all year round, either due to humidity or rain and snow. I don't think they understand that wood here tends to combust if left outside too long.



This is Kinglake, a town 5 hours from Mildura. This is A YEAR after the fire.

How could anybody do something like that? Not only are they destroying towns and people, they're destroying God's plants and animals, destroying land that's been carefully cultivated for decades.

And they never caught the arsonists who did it either.

-a solitary blue.

I got tagged!

Thank goodness. I don't have anything to talk about today!

1. Does having to play these blogger games make you wanna punch someone in the face 'cause it postpones posting about your ever-so-melodramatic life?
It stops me watching Big Time Rush. And James Maslow. Which makes me sad. On the other hand, I never have anything to blog about so I welcome any tags I get!

2. What are your feelings on zombies?
I feel really bad for them! I mean, how would you like it if you were just you know doin' your own thing and then someone came and munched on you and turned you into the living dead, and ruined your favourite shirt at the same time?

3. If you could visit any time period ever, what would it be, and who would you take with you (this person has to be real, and someone you actually know)?
I'd go to the eighties. They were a wild time. And... I'd take Baini, to teach him to have fun!

4. If I gave you Scotch tape, a sharpie, and some studded gloves, what would you do with 'em?
Oh gosh. I don't know! I'd probably sticky tape the gloves to my face to protect my nose from the fumes of the sharpie and go crazy!

5. Are you suspicious or sympathetic towards third wheels?
I'm suspicious of everybody, but I feel bad for third wheels as well. It's not much fun. Especially when the other two wheels have their own in jokes and you're left going "saywha?"

6. Pretend you have a sandbox. But it's not filled with sand. Instead, what is it filled with?
I actually have a sandbox but I would like my imaginary sandbox to be filled with gift vouchers for Sanity and Amazon.

7. Do you prefer stupid nonsensical questions, or deep metaphorical ones which make you ponder life, God, and the universe around us itself?
Depends on the day, sometimes even the hour. For now I'll go with nonsensical but I'll have my deep-and-meaningful cap on tomorrow.

8. Tell me what your regular disposition on life is.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my GOSH! When life gives you the lemons, either a) make lemonade or b) stick 'em in your bra to make your boobs bigger.

9. Your favourite book and why.
Before I Die, by Jenny Downham. It makes me think and appreciate things more.

10. What was the last play/musical you saw?
It was The Lion King live stage performance in Melbourne. I was eleven.

11. Your secret weapon for luring in the opposite (or same!) sex. ;D
Did you SEE Top Gear last night?!

12. Do you (or did you) do your homework?
Yes and yes! For everything except maths because I hate maths, maths hates me and my teacher refuses to teach me anything.

13. Which do you prefer, city or country? And why?
City, because I grew up in the country and I get so bored!

14. What is your opinion on organised religion?
To each their own. (P.S we never had bible study at school and I'm kind of new to this so I don't know what organized religion is D:)

15. How do you feel about technology, and where it's headed?
I love technology. When it works. Stem cell therapy scares me a bit, and so does surrogate mothering, and genetic manipulation. Gattaca and Maximum Ride, people!

16. What was the last film you watched?
To Save A Life. I loved it.

Okay, I tag Bleah Briann! I think the idea is that you have to answer all the previous questions and the eight I add on.

1. What's your favourite childhood memory?

2. If you be anybody for a day, who would it be and why?

3. What do you like to spend your time doing?

4. Where did you meet your closest friend?

5. Favourite school subject?

6. Summer, winter, or somewhere in between?

7. Who's the person who knows you best?

8. Monopoly or scrabble?

-a solitary blue.

One two three four, to the five

Hello everyone :)

[I'm trusting you with loving me
Very very carefully]

I'm officially obsessed with Big Time Rush. Completely and totally in love with them. More so with James Maslow!!! He is the love. <3

Well, I'm in love with him on a superficial level. I never thought I might start to really like (love maybe) one of my closest friends. But I can't help it. He did my deb with me - which in Australian tradition is the night a girl transforms into a woman.

He was there with me. He discovered a part of me neither of us knew existed. I should probably put some deb photos up, come to think of it. I might do it tomorrow. The point is, I feel like he understands me. Like I don't have to be anybody except myself around him. Around him I'm allowed to love orange tictacs and talk about resident evil and go completely geek on him. I'm allowed to tell him how I feel.

[Now I'm about to give you my heart
So remember this one thing
I've never been in love before
So you gotta go easy on me]

He's given me the courage to stand up. To tell people what I really think. To tell Terri that she needs to get over herself and accept that things don't always go the way you plan, in fact they never do. To tell my friends that I'm not gonna stand by and watch Giulianna drown in her own low self-esteem and Terri's insults.

To think that it would ever come to this - that it would come to the point at which I don't care what Erin, Elenn, Kelsey, Emily, Grace, and countless others think of me - is astounding. I never thought I would get here.

The nice thing is that I know who I am, finally. I'm my father's daughter. He taught me respect, to help people in need of help whether it inconvieniences you or not, who taught me that without fear there is no such thing as courage.

[He gave me a road to chose
He gave me freedom
And I hope that someday
I will walk in his shoes]

So here I am. My name is Ayla Shannon Gray, and my life's ambition is to help people who need it. I like to sing and my motto in life is "when in doubt, dance it out". I'm in love with the guy who took me to the deb and gave me away to my father for the Pride of Evon. I like everyone else breathes slowly in the dark when the sun goes down, and like everyone else it saps my strength to face my demons.

So, whoever's reading - I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of being a simpering hair-twirling bimbo to match Erin's bitchiness. I'm tired of trying to be deep and meaningful around Kelsey. I'm tired of being spastic and insane and uncontrollable around Elenn. I'm tired of being shallow and insecure around Nathan.

I want to be the person I like - I want to be able to geek out all the time with Enyar over Stargate and the X-Files. I want to be able to laugh and smile and flick rubber bands at Riz. I want to laugh and do things I'm not supposed to at work with Niknak. And for him I want to be myself, this over-excitable seventeen-year-old who loves Fallout 3 and Resident Evil 4 to death and spends a lot of her time smiling.

[Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved]

I know I'm good. And I know that people who accept me are good. Erin's not going to like the change, she's not gonna like I can finally do my own thing. Kelsey probably won't like my new cross necklace. Elenn won't like the new me flat-out. Nathan won't like that I actually have a brain.

But Riz will like me. So will Enyar and Niknak. And I'm thinkin' Brendan's gonna like that now I'm a real person. A real girl with hopes and dreams. Not one who's annoying.

[You'll be the first to know
When I find what I'm lookin' for
I wanna love with the sun on my face
Ride a train to nowhere anyplace
Don't know where I'm going
Anywhere, I don't care]

That was tiring.

-a solitary blue.

Broadway is dark tonight

I don't want to go down in history as that-girl-who-could-have-saved-that-person-from-their-own-internal-hell-and-chose-not-to. I don't want to see Gulianna hover near Terri anymore, just waiting for a sliver of attention. I don't want to be wondering in five years how Gulianna's doing. I want to be the person who in the here and now offered friendship where there was none.

[flashes of memory, i see the blue blue sky and i think that's the sun
i think maybe i might love him]

Because at some point in life I think everybody feels like an outsider. Been there, done that, in some ways I still feel like an outsider. I don't know if I'm the only person in my school to feel acutely every tear that Gulianna cries because her only friend has ditched her to hang out with us, the "populars." Oh gosh I don't want her to be alone.

I'm sick of standing by and doing nothing and thinking it'll fix itself. Doing nothing is as bad as doing the wrong thing sometimes. I threw a stone at a hawk today because it tried to kill one of Lenny's lambs. I didn't hit it but I saved the lamb.

[city lights begin to solidify from a messy blur
cars zoom past on the motorway
halfway from nowhere to anyplace]

I hate it when people shrug and refuse to help someone out and say "that's the way the cookie crumbles" or "that's just how it is." If people keep thinking like that then of course that's going to happen. But I'm tired of letting them tell me that I'm too young to understand and that there's nothing I can do. I can save the world - one person at a time.

I'm tired of people telling me that until I experience it I won't understand. Don't they understand I can't experience things unless they let me? A bird can't fly if you clip its wings and a horse can't run on a lame leg. A person can't learn without experience.

[music is too loud
volume's on 76
i can't hear my own voice
i guess i don't have any voice control]

I'm starting to care less and less about what people think of me. If it's not God's opinion why should it matter to me? Another year and I'm out of this town, out of this tiny little gossip highway. Everyone here knows everything about everyone or at least they think they do. The truth is repeated so many times it becomes lies.

So what if someone's new haircut looks terrible! The attitude some people have is terrible too but unfortunately there is no attitude-dye like there is hair-dye. If only. I don't even know if half the people I talk to are real, or whether they're buried so deep within themselves it's like there's another entirely separate person there, trapped.

[i hear a piano ballad in my head
see drops of water floating through the air
laughter bubbles up from all around me
this is happiness]

I know a few real people though. Riz, Enyar, Niknak. Those people are real to me. Everyone else, I don't know. I can see a cling-wrap layer of fake but it's not clear-cut. There are wrinkles so thick it's hard to look past the warped exterior and see the smooth, shiny new inside. Almost like a peanut in its shell.

I wonder how many years of their lives people waste trying to be something they're not?

[he's a shy kid with floppy dark hair
he's a thousand leagues away from the jocks
from the nerds
he's got this thousand-watt smile
he's a social outcast
he smells like summer and thunderstorms
a warm beach towel in the sand
i think that's why i love him]

-a solitary blue.

Aus pride world wide

I never realised before how much I love my country, and love the people who live in it. I love that I only have to walk across the road and into town to see a hundred different nationalities and religions all waiting on my doorstep. I love that I'm wise enough to see that we all share a planet together and we may as well have fun learning from one another while we do. I like to see the way different countries raise their children; I like to see that racism has, at least in my city, been put on the backburner - still there but not doing as much harm as it could. Of course, it sucks that it's still there.

[I came from the dream-time, from the dusty red soil planes
I am the ancient heart, the keeper of the flame
I stood upon the rocky shore, I watched the tall ships come
For forty thousand years I've been the first Australian.]

I love this country. To many people here it's too dry and dusty and barren. There are more evergreens than there are the colonised, romantic willows or oaks. Those trees can't survive out here. To me, this country is a glittering jewel. To the north, Queensland, humid and hot and as tropical as Fiji or Aitutaki. To the south, Tasmania, cold and wet and icy. In the middle, a desert. Kangaroos.

It has always amazed me that through hundreds of bushfires the willows, oaks, and introduced creatures of this country have died and haven't repopulated, but the kangaroos and kookaburras and koalas, the evergreens, cactuses and berry bushes, come back even fiercer and more beautiful than before. No matter how the fire devastates the environment, that which is natural continues to foster life.

[I came upon a prison ship, bowed down by iron chains
I cleared the land, endured the lash and waited for the rains
I'm a settler, I'm a farmer's wife, on a dry and barren run
A convict, then a free man, I became Australian.]

Seventy percent of the land is desert. Society survives on the fringes, glittering jewels of cities that light up like a massive Christmas tree at night. Victoria is a massive land space but well over seventy five percent lives in Melbourne, which takes up about a tenth of Victoria's land mass.

I am one of the twenty five percent that doesn't live in Melbourne.

I'm proud to say that I'm one of the country kids who roughed it in just a sleeping bag on a forty-five degree day, sleeping on the cliffs and jumping into the river. I've driven a houseboat, I've herded sheep on a horse as fast as a bullet. I've gotten cuts and scratches and been bitten by numerous white-back spiders. I was a wild country kid with tangled hair and a dangerous smile.

[I'm the daughter of the digger who sought the motherlode
The girl became a woman on a long and dusty road
I'm a child of the depression, I saw the good times come
I'm a bushy, I'm a battler, I am Australian.]

I'm proud to say that out here you don't try to swim across the river because you don't know when a snap turtle will munch your toes. Inside I'm secretly gleeful when the oaks on the river are unable to take the high salt concentration but the gums stand as firm as they did a hundred years ago. I'm proud to say that I once ran away - taking a horse with me.

I'm completely proud on the other side to admit that I have in fact lost it a little and broken into street-dancing in the middle of Victoria's Mall, the biggest mall in Melbourne.

So I'd definitely say I'm proud to call this harsh, beautiful land my home.

[I'm a teller of stories, I'm a singer of songs
I am Albert Namatjira, I paint the ghostly gums
I am Clancy on his horse, I'm Ned Kelly on the run
I'm the one who waltzed Matilda, I am Australian.

There are no words of comfort that can hope to ease the pain
Of losing homes and loved ones the memories will remain
Withint the silent tears you'll find the strength to carry on
You're not alone, we're with you. We are Australian.

There are so many heroes whose stories must be told
They fought the raging fires of hell and saved so many souls
From the ashes of despair our towns will rise again!
We mourn your loss, we will rebuild, we are Australian.

I'm the hot wind from the desert, I'm the black soil of the plains
I'm the mountains and the valleys, I'm the drought and flooding rains
I am the rock, I am the sky, the rivers when they run
The spirit of this great land, I am Australian.

We are one, but we are many
And from all the lands of earth we come
We share a dream and sing with one voice
I am, you are, we are Australian.]

-a solitary blue.

Halfway there

[When the chips are down, back against the wall
Got no more to give 'cause we gave it all
Seems like going the distance is unrealistic
But we're too far from the start]

So I'm halfway between being a kid and halfway between being an adult and I don't know what that makes me. This time last year I never thought I would have come this far, that I would have become such a different person, a happier person, someone who can help.

Watched a spectacular movie today, well, two. The first one was "To Save A Life." It really changed my perspective on things. Basically, this guy named Sam and his friend Roger are playing when they're in sixth grade. Sam runs in front of a car, and Roger pushes him out of the way - and has a permanent limp because of it.

Seven years later Roger and Sam have stopped talking because Sam chose popularity over the boy who saved his life. Roger commits suicide in the middle of the school hall, and Sam's left wondering if there's anything he could have done.

It really touched me. Everyone should watch it :)

[So we take what comes and we keep on going
Leaning on each others shoulders
Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow]

So now it has me thinking - what do I want my life to be about? Not me that's for sure. Living for yourself is as pointless as not living at all really. I would like to help others. Maybe save a life someday. But it doesn't matter if I do or not; whether it's helping someone with their shopping or not, it's still helping.

I don't want my life to be a turned-around mess like some people I know. Jamie, one of my best friends, hooked on marijuana and cigarettes and whoever knows what else because he lost his way. I want to help him but I don't even know where to start.

I see people every day who seem to have the words HELP ME engraved on their foreheads. The pain is right there in their eyes, and it's bull that nobody sees it; people see it, they just don't want to admit they have. They don't want to look into another human's eyes and think oh geez that could happen to me.

[If we never flew we would never fall
If the world was ours we'd have it all
But the life we live isn't so simplistic
You don't just get what you want]

Do I want to look into Riz's eyes and realise she's crying out for help? No, it scares me. But I do it anyway because who else is gonna do it? The point of being a best friend is knowing the good the bad and the ugly, and the ugly truth is that while her dad doesn't hit her he doesn't have to. Shutting her out and then calling her worthless, fat, is taking more of a toll on her than anything is.

And it's taking a toll on me too. I don't like seeing my friends unhappy, people they're not. I don't like them snapping at each other and bickering and saying you don't understand because they haven't even realised they're all in the same boat.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's NOT unhappy, like I'm on a boat in the middle of the ocean with the storm above me and the sharks below. It makes me feel to be abnormal to be normal and that's sickening, just because my parents are happy together. Because they're happy together I stick out, I don't fit in.

Not that I'm complaining. I don't want to see them fight.

[How are you ever gonna reach the stars
If you never get off the ground
And you'll always be where you are
If you let life knock you down]

How do you stand up to someone who is supposed to look after you and isn't? How do you tell someone you're scared of your own father like Riz is? She says she's not but I've had seventeen years of looking into people's eyes and seeing the exact same thing I see in hers. How do you convince someone to trust you when the two people they're supposed to be able to rely on have let them down?

How do you convince them you're not gonna leave them? That it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, you'll catch a bus with all the creepy drunks and walk to their house in the dark if it means making it just a fraction easier, when nobody's ever done that before?

I hate her parents sometimes. I hate them for what they're doing and I hate them for what they're gonna do.

I hate them because they don't know.

Because they don't care.

[You call my name
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole]

-a solitary blue

This city is ours

I find myself wondering a lot about what makes us who we are. Is it our family, who nurture us (hopefully) till we grow old enough to stand on our own two feet, or is it our friends, who we spend much of our lives with? Are personalities programmed into us before we're born, or is it up to us to become good, to walk the right roads and stop to help in all the right places?

Which brings me to something else - it's all well and good to dwell on the nice things. Everyone dwells on nice things every once in a whole (if you're me almost all the time). But who's to blame when things go wrong? Who's to blame when the parents are alcoholics, abusive, neglectful, etc? Who's to blame when the parents are the best parents in the world but the child isn't? If goodness is programmed into us, does that mean that we all have the ability to be bad as well?

[And can I be the one to sacrifice
To grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?]

I believe that all humans are born to be good, essentially. I believe that God makes us that way. I believe He does everything in His power to stop us falling into the wrong hands. But there are things in society that seduce people. Images of skinny minny models that make up 2 percent of the world's population have suddenly become what is recognised as the world's standard of "beautiful" - bones and all.

I'm almost too afraid to believe in the Devil, in Lucifer himself. The thought that one could be so evil as to be tossed from Heaven from God, who loves everything and everything, is too terrifying to even comprehend. The idea that the Devil is the one who corrupted Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein is something I'd rather not linger over. Both men were evil, pure and simple, they were out for themselves.

What kind of a person are you if you're not willing to stop and help somebody? If you can't bring yourself to show to another that there's some good left in the world, that there's a whole lot of it but you have to look to see it?

[So I've been wonderin'
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face]

And I feel for my friends who haven't yet discovered this. I want to help them but it's not something you can force someone to do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, as they say. I can't make them see that there's more to life than their favourite bands, or how much they hate school (I don't understand hating school). I can't make them see that the marvels of the world don't lie in society but they're on the fringes - things like tigers and antelope and gorillas and beautiful wild things that are as fierce as they are beautiful and as frightening as they are calming.

I can't make them understand what I feel, or why. But I can tell them what I feel and why, and hope that someday they remember all those things I ever said and realise, hopefully, that I was right, that you don't have to go to the city to see something amazing because all you have to do is stop and look at a flower and it's right in front of you.

[Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you]

I also can't make them see that helping yourself means helping others. Those who think prayer is a waste of time are obviously fools, and the Devil obviously has their tongue; who's to say it doesn't work? The only waste of time are these people telling people it's a waste of time, as anybody who has faith won't take the time to consider it, because their belief is so beautiful and pure it can't be tainted by words of doubt.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be a good person. I don't want to be remembered because I sang or danced or went to war or did whatever. I want to be remembered for being good, in whatever form that may be - whether I'm remembered because I'm the only one who helps Sister Joan load her trolley or remembered because I jumped in front of a bullet heading for a child, or their mother or father.

This is a city. My life? His existence in my life? It's a city of thought and emotion and somehow I want to share it with the world. I want everyone to know that I feel like I could lift a skyscraper, I want them to know that He is my saviour.

Accepting God into my heart has been one of the best things I've ever done. Thanks to Bleah Briann who helped me realise that He's the truth.

[Well I can fly
But I want His wings
I am strong even on my own
But from Him I never want to part]

-a solitary blue.

Picture post :)

I have nothing to say, except....

SUMMER'S FINALLY HERE XD

1. Our backyard.


So you can't see the little yellow flowers that almost blanket our backyard. This is the only house I've ever lived in - never moved, only bedrooms that is. My old one is teeny weeny. The new one's not much better. Haha.

2. Tree!


I love this tree. That's Naiyook's little Buzz Lightyear pool underneath it haha. The big green thing shades our pool.

3. Moi.


Hello, people of the world :) I look mass creepy and I'm sure I'll regret taking the photo later but for now NVM! I don't even care at the moment. 'Cause even though school goes back tomorrow it's SUMMER and NOTHING will dampen my mood!

...except maybe a lack of Pepsi.

4. Bed Luv.


Okay, you got me. It's more like a nest than a bed. We have a doona, about 50 different stuffed animals, a Wii Remote, a camera case, the bedside table with 2 books, an alarm clock and an iPod dock, and then candles on the windowsill. I spend most of my winter hibernating here when not in school.

5. Desk?


Part of it anyway. I call it a desk slash storage place slash shrine slash Sanity (DVD and music store). I'm an absolute scifi freak but I also have Supernatural and Harry Potter here as well. And my sims games <3

6. Bookshelf.



Crowded with random crap of course. I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Sorry for the lack of a deep/insightful/amusing post. I couldn't think of anything to say but I want to post at least once a week!!

-a solitary blue

My quiet little faith.

I've just realised something. I can't tell any of my friends this, 'cause I don't think they'd understand. In fact, I don't think they'd listen. No offence to them or anything, they're great friends, but very wrapped up in themselves.

I've just realised that I have this thing. It's only appeared recently but I call it my quiet little faith; my belief that God does exist. The only thing is, I'm scared to acknowledge that - because what if one day I look up and I realise God's talking, that He's teaching, and nobody's paying attention? What if I look up and realise He's trying to save us from whatever, whoever, and everyone's too busy being skeptical and disbelieving to listen? What if I realise they're all too stubborn to let Him save them? What if there's nothing I can do?

That brings me to another point - what do babies see when they dream? They say that they don't. Dream that is. That they have no words and therefore no meaning to assign to images and sounds, and that therefore even if they do dream it's not anything of substance.

All humans dream, though.

Over fifty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriages, most of them unknown. So tell me; what is it that keeps the remaining fifty percent alive? When I was a kid Mum used to tell me that the moment a baby is conceived life is breathed into it by a shooting star; if God created them then it must be Him breathing life into us, and it must be Him that fuels our desires to flourish, learn, and help people. The point is, God keeps us alive; I want the world to know that. We're all God's children. He loves us.

And yet we're cutting down this planet and harvesting its other children like it's actually ours for the taking. We're destroying the only home we've ever known, and probably will ever know, because even if by some small miracle we start to live on Mars (yeah right) it'll never be home. This will always be the planet that fostered life.

[I've got no more to give
Because I gave it all
Seems like going the distance is unrealistic
We're too far from the start.]

-a solitary blue.